I am totally amazed and puzzled at how much cancer has been romanticized. Lance Armstrong said, "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me." I guess if that was his motivation in winning 7 Tours d'France, he has the right to say that. But others have said, "Cancer gives my life meaning" and another, "Breast cancer is a gift." I wonder: what drug they were given to have that perspective? I have lived with cancer since 2007. What do I think of it? I hate it. Cancer is my enemy. Cancer is a curse straight from the pit of hell. Only the devil could think of such a horrible disease. His modus operandi is to kill, steal and destroy and that is exactly what cancer does.
Cancer kills grandparents, parents, husbands, wives, siblings, children, loved ones. It doesnt care how young or how old you are. It kills in a matter of months or of years.
Cancer steals whatever worldly goods you have saved. It steals the inheritance you saved up for your children. You live hand to mouth for treatments that do not promise anything. Many times you wonder: is it worth it all?
Cancer destroys whatever life you have left. Your dreams become dust. You can't make plans because you don't know how many tomorrows you have left. You are fortunate to have today. Family vacations are never the same again. Even Sundays have to be planned way in advance. Many times, I just tell them to go ahead without me.
When cancer invades your life, it brings many unwanted friends. The biggest is fear and all its cousins. Paranoia is always lurking over your shoulder. You feel a thickening under your skin and you wonder, is this a new tumor? You have a terrible migraine and you wonder, has it reached my brain? You have a nasty cough and you think, do my lungs have it now? You never know where it will strike you because it kills so quietly.
Depression comes easily. I wake up in the morning, thank the Lord for a new day and then ask him for some strength to get out of bed by myself. I was once such a capable woman. Now, I struggle to make my own breakfast. My strength has been sapped. I live inbetween naps. The legs that used to take me everywhere now don't work properly. I find myself shuffling around like an arthritic 80 year old.
Pain is another unwanted guest. When we saw a friend during his last days before succumbing to cancer, he was reduced to skin and bones and was so drugged with pain killers, we never knew if he was awake or asleep because his eyes were half-open. In this condition, you don't pray for healing. You pray for the Lord to take him quickly, to spare him of his sufferings.
Cancer has brought so much pain to me. I thought I had a high pain threshold having given birth to 4 kids lamaze style. The nurses never thought I was ready to give birth because I was still smiling at them while the other ladies in the labor room were moaning. But cancer changed all that. I have gone through so much pain, there were times when I thought death was a better alternative.
Cancer has radically changed my life and the lives of my family and loved ones. It feels like we are all in limbo, waiting for God to either heal me or take me home. Dare I say: the suspense is killing me? If I had an enemy, I would not want to wish him the curse of cancer. If it was all possible, may nobody in my family and among my loved ones ever walk this journey I am on. May this curse end with me.
So what keeps me alive? In one word: love. I look at my husband and children and know I have 5 reasons to keep on living. My mom, siblings and extended families have all rallied behind me and want to believe I will beat the odds. My friends have banded together in prayer, believing miracles still happen. I am surrounded by love that comes from even unexpected places. I feel totally overwhelmed.
But the greatest love comes from my savior. When the road seems dark and lonely, I know he walks with me. When I have no more strength, I know he carries me. When I want to dig a hole, crawl into it and leave a sign: forgotten and forsaken, he reminds me that I am precious and important to him. When I have no more hope, he wispers a promise to me and again I find myself saying: I will not let go until you bless me!
I pray that no matter what cancer throws my way, I will continue to have faith and not let go.
Cancer will never be a friend. I know that the day will come when cancer will be defeated and it will be a glorious day!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Spelldial - An Idea Whose Time Has Come
Did you ever have difficulty remembering numbers? I have. Numbers don't stick to my mind. They are as foreign as another language to me. I can memorize a max of 4 numbers which is my PIN for banking purposes. Anything beyond that needs to be written down. In my life, I can count in one hand the number of landlines I had to memorize, usually my home, my workplace and my mom's residence number in the U.S.
When cellphones became popular about 2 decades ago, eleven digits to memorize was even more daunting! I was eternally bound to my phonebook. To this day, I have memorized only 2: my husband's and my own. So can you imagine the dilemna I face when I reformatted my phone and lost almost half of my contacts! Rebuilding my phonebook was a tedious, frustating task.
Then came Spelldial - a smartphone application that allows you "to dial names, instead of numbers." When you register with Spelldial, you choose your username and attach your phone number to it. So if anyone would like to contact you but does not have your number, they may just go to Spelldial, input your name and be able to connect with you --- its that easy!
Another advantage is when you need to get in touch with a business or institution and don't have the luxury of looking through the yellow pages. If they are registered with Spelldial, you simply spell our their name and you are connected in a flash. Wow, think pizza delivery, ambulance from a hospital (no 911 in the Phils.), police assistance, reservations for 2 at a restaurant.
The best part of Spelldial is that it is the brainchild of a young techie from Cebu, Albert Padin. Driven by a passion to see this succeed and assisted with like-minded friends (like my daughter Jonina), they are hoping to change the way the world dials and connects. Give it a try. It may the best thing since yahoo mail.
When cellphones became popular about 2 decades ago, eleven digits to memorize was even more daunting! I was eternally bound to my phonebook. To this day, I have memorized only 2: my husband's and my own. So can you imagine the dilemna I face when I reformatted my phone and lost almost half of my contacts! Rebuilding my phonebook was a tedious, frustating task.
Then came Spelldial - a smartphone application that allows you "to dial names, instead of numbers." When you register with Spelldial, you choose your username and attach your phone number to it. So if anyone would like to contact you but does not have your number, they may just go to Spelldial, input your name and be able to connect with you --- its that easy!
Another advantage is when you need to get in touch with a business or institution and don't have the luxury of looking through the yellow pages. If they are registered with Spelldial, you simply spell our their name and you are connected in a flash. Wow, think pizza delivery, ambulance from a hospital (no 911 in the Phils.), police assistance, reservations for 2 at a restaurant.
The best part of Spelldial is that it is the brainchild of a young techie from Cebu, Albert Padin. Driven by a passion to see this succeed and assisted with like-minded friends (like my daughter Jonina), they are hoping to change the way the world dials and connects. Give it a try. It may the best thing since yahoo mail.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
For Doug's Birthday
On Sunday, Feb. 20, our church blessed Doug in a special way. After our guest speaker, a friend went up and mentioned about my new regiment and asked everyone to help financially. We were so touched by the generosity of God's people. Then another friend sang, "Because of who you are" which has special significance to us as a couple because it was sung during our wedding. I had a chance to start the ball rolling by sharing from my heart. Below is what I shared:
I would have wanted to talk about the 52 reasons why I love Doug but for the sake of brevity and because I don't know how long I can stand before you without tiring myself out, I've decided to talk about the 26 reasons why I love Doug times 2. Here goes:
I love Doug because
I would have wanted to talk about the 52 reasons why I love Doug but for the sake of brevity and because I don't know how long I can stand before you without tiring myself out, I've decided to talk about the 26 reasons why I love Doug times 2. Here goes:
I love Doug because
1. He likes to joke about his bald head.
2. When there was no other recourse, he changed diapers when the kids were babies and did not complain.
3. He did not criticize me the first time I cooked sinigang for him although I was offended when he made a peanut butter sandwich instead.
4. Whether a manager or a parking ticket attendant, he gives them the same attention and respect.
5. He likes talking to strangers and making friends.
6. He loves adventure --- jumping from a rope over a lake, hiking, canoeing, camping. His greatest "misadventure" was when he jumped off the second storey of the YWAM building into a pile of gravel and sprain both ankles. Zorro was a popular movie at that time and so one of our sons said: Daddy you forgot to wear your cape.
7. He taught me that relationships are very important. He has never run away from a strained relationship. When someone hurts him, he forgives, treats them civily, prays for them and tries his best to restore the relationship
8. He taught all the kids to swim even if he failed miserably with me.
9. He loves making memories for us as a family. Thrice he drove across the US and Canada so that we could see most of the beautiful sights in the 2 countries, visit friends and enjoy God’s creation. On all three times, he was the only driver.
10. When the boys had jobs delivering newspapers, he helped pack them and dropped them off their routes.
11. When I miss my focus on Jesus, he turns my head towards him again.
12. He is a walking concordance. He loves God’s word and knows many parts of it by heart.
13. In all our 22 years of marriage, very seldom have I heard him worry about money. He has lived a life of faith since he became a Christian at 18 and has never seen the Lord forsake him
14. He is a man of faith. Especially when I see the YWAM base, I know that is a physical representation of the faith that drove him to build a training center.
15. He attracts miracles --- from getting a free trip for a team of 6 from Germany to Moscow, to free roundtrip tickets for our family going on furlough from a stranger, from large donations from anonymous givers for various projects, to getting a car and a van given to us at different times, I am constantly amazed at the God things that have happened in our lives.
16. He is generous. At the YWAM base when they had a special dinner for him, someone said, Doug gives like a rich person. I guess that sums it all up. He has been so blessed with God’s faithfulness all these years, he can’t let the blessings stop with him. His motto is: when its hard to give, we should give more.
17. He loves challenges. From a half marathon at age 50, Doug has done many fun runs, sprint triathlons, another half marathon this last January and is now gunning for 70.3 IronMan in Cam Sur. I have no logical explanation for this.
18. For bedtime, he loved making up funny stories for the kids when they were little. He liked to “Christianize” the fairy tales and made Cinderella’s stepmom and sisters repent and ask forgiveness from her.
19. He participated in as much school activities as he could including leading a cheering squad when Jonina was in nursery.
20. He likes physical work. At the YWAM Base, during work program when everyone would clean the grounds, he worked with his hands to make it always looking spic and span.
21. He is spirit led. Any leading is bathed in worship and prayer, confirmation from other team members before it is carried out.
22. He cries with me.
23. He makes me laugh.
24. He is the father of our 4 good looking kids and insist that they all take after me.
25. He is always trying to learn more Cebuano or more Tagalog.
26. Last Jan. 28, we celebrated 22 years of marriage. Doug has seen my warts and all, lived with my idiosyncrasies, saw surgery disfigure me, saw chemo change my hairstyle, saw cancer reduce me into a shadow of the woman he married many years ago. He has lived through my pains, doubts and fears. For this year, he got me a card that simply said: I’d choose you all over again. That why I love Doug.
****Side lights****
As soon as I started speaking, Doug started balling his eyes out. Everything was a blur, he told me later.
Those who congratulated me and told me that they were blessed by the message were mostly men! One even asked me for my list! And he's even single!
Husband: If it was my wife up there, it would be "59 (his age) reasons why I hate my husband."
Wife (smiling at him): Start repenting!
Friend (obviously a foreigner): Marla, what dish did you cook "sitting down" that made Doug make a peanut butter sandwhich?
Me (confused for a few seconds): Oh, I cooked "sinigang" which is a Filipino sour soup.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Eulogy for My Hero, Jeanette A. Sereneo
Jeanette was petite and always had a ready smile. Whatever she lacked in height, she made up in personality. Despite difficulties she encountered, she was often positive. She was a go-getter and did not let limitations hinder her. I remember seeing her at one time at the doctor's office. She had an ear infection, had herself examined and drugs prescribed and then told the doctor that she had no money to pay for his services. He had no recourse but to offer them gratis. She got what she needed.
I remember that sometime in 2001, Jeanette found a lump in her breast. The doctor told her that she needed surgery to remove it. The base staff surrounded her and prayed for her healing. The Lord miraculously answered that prayer: the tumor shrunk that the doctor called the surgery off.
A few years after, Jeanette left Cebu to follow her heart. The Lord had given her a burden to reach out to the Mabaca tribe in Abra. She left the comforts of urban life and embraced the people and their lifestyle. She trekked kilometers to where they lived. She ate what they ate (including exotic grubs!) and lived a simple life: fetching water, cooking over wood, doing without electricity. She learned their language and their ways.
When she was with them, she tried to meet their needs. She shared her provisions with those who had none, she cleaned their wounds, she counselled, she comforted, she pastored them. It was not a surprise that she endeared herself to the Mabaca people in such a short time. In my eyes, she was my hero. She embodied everything a humble, faithful servant of God is and would do.
She probably had many needs and prayer requests but I remember only three: she needed a guitar, a horse and a husband. We were leaving for furlough and the boys had guitars that were just going to be in storage. They decided to give one to Jeanette. As for the horse, she did get one and used it not so much to ride on but to carry the supplies she needed from the lowlands. About 2 years ago, the Lord answered her need for a husband in the person of Gerry Sereneo, a Mabaca convert. Gerry had just done a YWAM Discipleship Training School prior to marrying Jeanette. Together they would serve the Lord and continue to minister to the Mabaca tribe.
I remember her wedding vividly because it was so unique. It was held in Cebu and both our girls participated as bridesmaid and flower girl. Instead of flowers, they carried little clay pots with rice stalks. They wore traditional Mabaca clothing and walked down the aisle in bare feet. There was a part when a pastora to the Mabaca did a praise dance. It was a happy day for Jeanette, Gerry and for us who witnessed their union.
About the middle of last year, Jeanette was diagnosed with breast cancer. The tumor was large that she needed chemo in order to shrink it before having a mastectomy. Despite difficulties, Jeanette did well as she went through chemo. Despite Gerry's distraught, Jeanette remained firm in her faith. She was often found worshipping the Lord in song. An outreach team from our Cebu base visited her during this time. I saw a picture of her, without any hair and cooking over a large wok. She was smiling. I marvelled at her strength and good spirits.
Early this year, Jeanette finally had her surgery in Baguio (a few hours away from Bangued) and stayed with our YWAM missionary care staff for recuperation. After the surgery though, she started to feel extreme pain all down her back and had seizures. She was returned to hospital for further tests which revealed that the cancer had spread to her spinal column. The doctors could only prescribe more chemo and radiation. Jeanette was already so weak from the surgery, she knew that she could not survive another round of drugs and treatments. The doctors concurred and told her that there was nothing else they could do. Jeanette was sent home to die.
In her last text, she said that she would go home to Abra and wait until the Lord would "call her home to his palace". She thanked everyone for the love, prayers and support and hoped that they would still extend the same to her husband when she moves on. That is so Jeanette: to the very end, she was thinking of others more than herself.
Needless to say, all these news distressed me. Together with Jeanette and Gerry, we were believing for God's healing miracle. He did it once, could he not do it again? Lucille, our YWAM leader in Cebu had a good perspective. She said the Lord healed Jeanette the first time because he knew that she had a heart for the Mabaca people. She was able to go to Abra and win the village for Christ. The Lord had extended her life so that she could fulfill his purposes through her.
Jeanette lived a life of purpose and the Lord enabled her to accomplish what she could in her lifetime. It wasn't a long life but it was a life that pleased the Lord and brought glory to his name.
The last days of Jeanette's life was difficult. She was in so much pain and even had difficult breathing. These may have silenced her song but I know deep inside her heart, she was still singing praises to the Lord.
When she passed away on Sunday, Feb. 6, I learned about her death in the middle of our worship. I wept as I thanked the Lord for Jeanette and a life well lived; for enriching our lives with hers; for giving Jeanette as a gift to the Mabaca people; for the greater harvest among this tribe because a seed has fallen to the ground and died.
Jeanette no longer suffers. In heaven, her body is whole. There are no more tears. I know with all confidence in my heart that when she entered the Lord's palace gates, she heard the sweet voice of her savior say: Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into your reward.
Well done Jeanette.
I remember that sometime in 2001, Jeanette found a lump in her breast. The doctor told her that she needed surgery to remove it. The base staff surrounded her and prayed for her healing. The Lord miraculously answered that prayer: the tumor shrunk that the doctor called the surgery off.
A few years after, Jeanette left Cebu to follow her heart. The Lord had given her a burden to reach out to the Mabaca tribe in Abra. She left the comforts of urban life and embraced the people and their lifestyle. She trekked kilometers to where they lived. She ate what they ate (including exotic grubs!) and lived a simple life: fetching water, cooking over wood, doing without electricity. She learned their language and their ways.
When she was with them, she tried to meet their needs. She shared her provisions with those who had none, she cleaned their wounds, she counselled, she comforted, she pastored them. It was not a surprise that she endeared herself to the Mabaca people in such a short time. In my eyes, she was my hero. She embodied everything a humble, faithful servant of God is and would do.
She probably had many needs and prayer requests but I remember only three: she needed a guitar, a horse and a husband. We were leaving for furlough and the boys had guitars that were just going to be in storage. They decided to give one to Jeanette. As for the horse, she did get one and used it not so much to ride on but to carry the supplies she needed from the lowlands. About 2 years ago, the Lord answered her need for a husband in the person of Gerry Sereneo, a Mabaca convert. Gerry had just done a YWAM Discipleship Training School prior to marrying Jeanette. Together they would serve the Lord and continue to minister to the Mabaca tribe.
I remember her wedding vividly because it was so unique. It was held in Cebu and both our girls participated as bridesmaid and flower girl. Instead of flowers, they carried little clay pots with rice stalks. They wore traditional Mabaca clothing and walked down the aisle in bare feet. There was a part when a pastora to the Mabaca did a praise dance. It was a happy day for Jeanette, Gerry and for us who witnessed their union.
About the middle of last year, Jeanette was diagnosed with breast cancer. The tumor was large that she needed chemo in order to shrink it before having a mastectomy. Despite difficulties, Jeanette did well as she went through chemo. Despite Gerry's distraught, Jeanette remained firm in her faith. She was often found worshipping the Lord in song. An outreach team from our Cebu base visited her during this time. I saw a picture of her, without any hair and cooking over a large wok. She was smiling. I marvelled at her strength and good spirits.
Early this year, Jeanette finally had her surgery in Baguio (a few hours away from Bangued) and stayed with our YWAM missionary care staff for recuperation. After the surgery though, she started to feel extreme pain all down her back and had seizures. She was returned to hospital for further tests which revealed that the cancer had spread to her spinal column. The doctors could only prescribe more chemo and radiation. Jeanette was already so weak from the surgery, she knew that she could not survive another round of drugs and treatments. The doctors concurred and told her that there was nothing else they could do. Jeanette was sent home to die.
In her last text, she said that she would go home to Abra and wait until the Lord would "call her home to his palace". She thanked everyone for the love, prayers and support and hoped that they would still extend the same to her husband when she moves on. That is so Jeanette: to the very end, she was thinking of others more than herself.
Needless to say, all these news distressed me. Together with Jeanette and Gerry, we were believing for God's healing miracle. He did it once, could he not do it again? Lucille, our YWAM leader in Cebu had a good perspective. She said the Lord healed Jeanette the first time because he knew that she had a heart for the Mabaca people. She was able to go to Abra and win the village for Christ. The Lord had extended her life so that she could fulfill his purposes through her.
Jeanette lived a life of purpose and the Lord enabled her to accomplish what she could in her lifetime. It wasn't a long life but it was a life that pleased the Lord and brought glory to his name.
The last days of Jeanette's life was difficult. She was in so much pain and even had difficult breathing. These may have silenced her song but I know deep inside her heart, she was still singing praises to the Lord.
When she passed away on Sunday, Feb. 6, I learned about her death in the middle of our worship. I wept as I thanked the Lord for Jeanette and a life well lived; for enriching our lives with hers; for giving Jeanette as a gift to the Mabaca people; for the greater harvest among this tribe because a seed has fallen to the ground and died.
Jeanette no longer suffers. In heaven, her body is whole. There are no more tears. I know with all confidence in my heart that when she entered the Lord's palace gates, she heard the sweet voice of her savior say: Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into your reward.
Well done Jeanette.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
22 Years and Counting
On January 28, Doug and I celebrated 22 years since we stood before family and friends and committed to love one another no matter what life threw our way "until death do we part."
Doug and I are different in many ways: he's a "wake up with the sun" morning person and I find the nocturnal life more appealing. He's an incurable optomist and I am forever seeing the clouds behind the silver lining. He the spontaneous "live the moment" kind of guy and I am the deliberate "lets plan for 5 years" organizer. He's the typical Canadian who wants to be on time even for a party. I am the typical Filipino who thinks if we come on time, even the host will not be dressed yet. He likes to keep drawers and cabinets closed. I open them and think they will close by themselves. Vacations and family time together is always a priority for him. If it were up to me, our family holidays will consist of renting a movie and eating popcorn. Nothing is too expensive for someone he loves. I am always adding pesos in my head when I receive anything. Have I even mentioned humor? Filipino humor holds nothing sacred. Filipinos love to laugh at anything and everything and they don't care at whose expense. Canadians would never laugh when someone slips on a banana peel. Now you know what a Filipino would do. (I learned very early on in our marriage that I needed a drastic pradigm shift in this area if I wanted to stay married to Doug!)
Someone once said, when two people who are so different marry, it proves that God has a sense of humor. I have a funny feeling, God was rolling on his sides when I said yes to Doug's proposal!
Despite our differences, somehow we found love and love has kept us together all these years. I am grateful for his committment to me and to our family. This year, he gave me a card that simply said: I'd choose you all over again. Despite the difficult, uncertain, challenging times, his choice would still be me. What a comfort, what an anchor for my soul that knowledge is. I can continue to count on him to stand with me, walk me through and stick it out until we get to the other end.
Let me let you in on a secret: when we were on our honeymoon, Doug and I memorized scripture. Tell me: how many couples do you know did this?! We memorized James chapter 1. I remember not being very comfortable with the choice since the word "trials" appears right at verse 2. But in retrospect, the verses have become very meaningful to me personally and to us as a couple and a family. I found the version in The Message by Eugene Peterson quite interesting:
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you can become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open... (verses 2-8)
Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life...(verse 12)
So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures. (verses 16-18)
For sure, our faith has been tested through the various experiences we've had as a couple. We are thankful for the Father's ever present grace and mercy through the years. We pray that we will always be loyal in our love for God and look forward to a reward of "life and more life."
I am thankful for the first 22 years and trust that the Lord will grant me more years so that I can grow old with my honey.
Doug and I are different in many ways: he's a "wake up with the sun" morning person and I find the nocturnal life more appealing. He's an incurable optomist and I am forever seeing the clouds behind the silver lining. He the spontaneous "live the moment" kind of guy and I am the deliberate "lets plan for 5 years" organizer. He's the typical Canadian who wants to be on time even for a party. I am the typical Filipino who thinks if we come on time, even the host will not be dressed yet. He likes to keep drawers and cabinets closed. I open them and think they will close by themselves. Vacations and family time together is always a priority for him. If it were up to me, our family holidays will consist of renting a movie and eating popcorn. Nothing is too expensive for someone he loves. I am always adding pesos in my head when I receive anything. Have I even mentioned humor? Filipino humor holds nothing sacred. Filipinos love to laugh at anything and everything and they don't care at whose expense. Canadians would never laugh when someone slips on a banana peel. Now you know what a Filipino would do. (I learned very early on in our marriage that I needed a drastic pradigm shift in this area if I wanted to stay married to Doug!)
Someone once said, when two people who are so different marry, it proves that God has a sense of humor. I have a funny feeling, God was rolling on his sides when I said yes to Doug's proposal!
Despite our differences, somehow we found love and love has kept us together all these years. I am grateful for his committment to me and to our family. This year, he gave me a card that simply said: I'd choose you all over again. Despite the difficult, uncertain, challenging times, his choice would still be me. What a comfort, what an anchor for my soul that knowledge is. I can continue to count on him to stand with me, walk me through and stick it out until we get to the other end.
Let me let you in on a secret: when we were on our honeymoon, Doug and I memorized scripture. Tell me: how many couples do you know did this?! We memorized James chapter 1. I remember not being very comfortable with the choice since the word "trials" appears right at verse 2. But in retrospect, the verses have become very meaningful to me personally and to us as a couple and a family. I found the version in The Message by Eugene Peterson quite interesting:
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you can become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open... (verses 2-8)
Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life...(verse 12)
So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures. (verses 16-18)
For sure, our faith has been tested through the various experiences we've had as a couple. We are thankful for the Father's ever present grace and mercy through the years. We pray that we will always be loyal in our love for God and look forward to a reward of "life and more life."
I am thankful for the first 22 years and trust that the Lord will grant me more years so that I can grow old with my honey.
Hope for 2011
As another year turns a page in my life, I am faced with the realization that the struggle towards health continues. 2010 saw me spend a total of 7 weeks in China, undergoing various treatments after knowing the full extent of the cancer spread in my body. Oral chemo made a difference in shrinking most of the tumors on my chest. However, even before I finished 8 cycles, I noticed new small growths which signified that my body was getting immune of the effects of the drug. When I stopped the drugs, the new growths became larger and other new tumors appeared. It looked like I was back to square one.
In addition to this, I have been receiving monthly infusions for the bone metastasis. While taking the chemo drug, I did not suffer any side effects. When I stopped the drug, I began to experience body pains at different times. My energy level had likewise gone down and I had to pace myself in order not to tire myself to the point of being useless.
Over the holidays, conflicting test results delayed a prescription for hormonal treatments. I finally got new test results and have been prescribed to take drugs that should help reduce the new tumors and stop new ones from appearing. After trying to find the cheapest supplier, I started with the new drugs on Monday.
Through the wait, I found myself once again in the winter of my soul. I had thought of stopping the pharmaceutical drugs since I no longer wanted the side effects and felt like its efficacy was like touch and go. Going back to alternative supplements seemed logical but knowing that I had tried it all, made me wary about doing it as a stand alone treatment. My heart and my mind battled. Do I have the luxury of time or will waiting just put me at greater risk? Can I give myself 90 days to try out new supplements that do not promise anything? Will I be able to withstand the side effects of the drugs?
In the midst of my confusion, I felt like hope was slowly melting away. In the midst of the pain, I found myself crying out to the Lord: how long, Oh Lord? How much longer will I feed on my tears and my fears? I have tried everything but the monster of cancer keeps on rearing its head, making its presence known. I feel so battle weary and could only utter one short prayer: Lord, help!
Yet even when I feel the Lord is silent, I know that I am not abandoned. One morning when I was struggling with pain, I was led to Lamentations 3:19-24,
“The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’”(NLT)
I know those words are true. In the three years of this struggle, I have seen the Lord’s unfailing love sustain me. He has carried me through many difficult, painful times. I have tasted his goodness and know that there is more from the source when I need it. Faithful? That is his essence.
I have been reading a book by John Ortberg (my favourite author at the moment) and a section of one chapter really spoke to my heart:
“I only know that ultimately, the choice everyone faces is the choice between hope and despair. Jesus says, “Choose hope.”
Will you keep going when you don’t know why? When you can’t get any answers that would make the pain go away, will you say, “My Lord,” even though his ways are not clear to you? Will you keep going --- with all the grace and grit and faith you can muster --- and live in hope that one day God will set everything right. Will you trust that God is good?
I think of Jacob, who wrestled with a man throughout one night and realized afterward that it was God. The man crippled Jacob’s hip and told him to let go, and Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
When the man saw Jacob would not quit, he blessed him and gave him a new name: Israel. “You have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.”
Why does God wrestle with Jacob? Why not just give him a blessing outright?
I don’t know the whole answer to those questions. I think it has something to do with the fact that God prizes that quality in the human spirit that will not give up.
God wants greatness of soul --- people who will endure, wrestle, persevere, refuse to quit, and cling to his goodness even when there is much they can’t see clearly.”
In the midst of my struggle, God is concerned about the kind of person I am becoming. Am I going to stubbornly hold on to him even when it seems like I am going down for the count? Am I going to continue believing that my healing is just at his fingertips even if my body continues to be racked by cancer? Can I be like Jacob? Can I tenaciously cling to God with whatever strength I have left and tell him that I will not let go until he blesses me?
I don’t know how long this battle with cancer will be but today, I choose hope.
From the mouth of babes...
I did something brave this last Christmas. I volunteered to handle the Sunday School Christmas Cantata. It was a simple 30 minute cantata where the kids were going to sing a total of 8 Christmas carols while the young teens did the narration and reading of the Christmas story. Although we did not have very many kids in Sunday School, some children from the squatter/slum area had been attending so I thought it would be great to have them incorporated into the choir.
I did not do it single handedly of course. Other teachers helped with teaching the carols, coming up with the props and costumes, scheduling rehearsals etc. I directed the cantata and oversaw rehearsals. I wouldn’t have done it without all the help I got. I was beginning to have body pains and found myself feeling more tired than usual. There were times when I thought: what did I get myself into?
We only had about a total of 7 practices and 2 general rehearsals and had to contend with low attendance most of the time. Needless to say, we were all excited when Dec. 24 came. Just before we went on stage, we gathered the children in the Sunday School room for last minute instructions. After doing so, I told the kids that I was very proud of them because they always gave their best during the practices and sang with all their hearts. A boy from the slums immediately chirped: I’m proud of you teacher! I smiled, thinking he has just mimicking me.
(The cantata went well despite all the hitches that come with live performances. The children sang wonderfully and even the littlest ones performed well.)
The next day though, I recalled the incident in a different light. When the boy told me he was proud of me, I took it as a message from the Lord. Despite my limitations, he saw my efforts and was proud of me. I was blessed beyond measure and my heart overflowed with joy! My heavenly father was proud of me! You see, I haven’t done much since my health issues came up and I always find myself hesitating to do anything, fearful that I would not be able to accomplish what I had set out to do. I took a step and a risk and found the father pleased. What more can I ask for?
Lord, what would you have me to do?
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