My Take on Cancer

I am totally amazed and puzzled at how much cancer has been romanticized. Lance Armstrong said, "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me." I guess if that was his motivation in winning 7 Tours d'France, he has the right to say that. But others have said, "Cancer gives my life meaning" and another, "Breast cancer is a gift." I wonder: what drug they were given to have that perspective? I have lived with cancer since 2007. What do I think of it? I hate it. Cancer is my enemy. Cancer is a curse straight from the pit of hell. Only the devil could think of such a horrible disease. His modus operandi is to kill, steal and destroy and that is exactly what cancer does.

Cancer kills grandparents, parents, husbands, wives, siblings, children, loved ones. It doesnt care how young or how old you are. It kills in a matter of months or of years.

Cancer steals whatever worldly goods you have saved. It steals the inheritance you saved up for your children. You live hand to mouth for treatments that do not promise anything. Many times you wonder: is it worth it all?

Cancer destroys whatever life you have left. Your dreams become dust. You can't make plans because you don't know how many tomorrows you have left. You are fortunate to have today. Family vacations are never the same again. Even Sundays have to be planned way in advance. Many times, I just tell them to go ahead without me.

When cancer invades your life, it brings many unwanted friends. The biggest is fear and all its cousins. Paranoia is always lurking over your shoulder. You feel a thickening under your skin and you wonder, is this a new tumor? You have a terrible migraine and you wonder, has it reached my brain? You have a nasty cough and you think, do my lungs have it now? You never know where it will strike you because it kills so quietly.

Depression comes easily. I wake up in the morning, thank the Lord for a new day and then ask him for some strength to get out of bed by myself. I was once such a capable woman. Now, I struggle to make my own breakfast. My strength has been sapped. I live inbetween naps. The legs that used to take me everywhere now don't work properly. I find myself shuffling around like an arthritic 80 year old.

Pain is another unwanted guest. When we saw a friend during his last days before succumbing to cancer, he was reduced to skin and bones and was so drugged with pain killers, we never knew if he was awake or asleep because his eyes were half-open. In this condition, you don't pray for healing. You pray for the Lord to take him quickly, to spare him of his sufferings.

Cancer has brought so much pain to me. I thought I had a high pain threshold having given birth to 4 kids lamaze style. The nurses never thought I was ready to give birth because I was still smiling at them while the other ladies in the labor room were moaning. But cancer changed all that. I have gone through so much pain, there were times when I thought death was a better alternative.

Cancer has radically changed my life and the lives of my family and loved ones. It feels like we are all in limbo, waiting for God to either heal me or take me home. Dare I say: the suspense is killing me? If I had an enemy, I would not want to wish him the curse of cancer. If it was all possible, may nobody in my family and among my loved ones ever walk this journey I am on. May this curse end with me.

So what keeps me alive? In one word: love. I look at my husband and children and know I have 5 reasons to keep on living. My mom, siblings and extended families have all rallied behind me and want to believe I will beat the odds. My friends have banded together in prayer, believing miracles still happen. I am surrounded by love that comes from even unexpected places. I feel totally overwhelmed.

But the greatest love comes from my savior. When the road seems dark and lonely, I know he walks with me. When I have no more strength, I know he carries me. When I want to dig a hole, crawl into it and leave a sign: forgotten and forsaken, he reminds me that I am precious and important to him. When I have no more hope, he wispers a promise to me and again I find myself saying: I will not let go until you bless me!
I pray that no matter what cancer throws my way, I will continue to have faith and not let go.

Cancer will never be a friend. I know that the day will come when cancer will be defeated and it will be a glorious day!