Today I would have my second cryo on the tumor on my liver. I decided to wash my hair because it may be a couple of days before I can wash it again. Doug helped me because I still had a dressing on my chest for my first cryo. I wasn't prepared for what happened.
While shampooing and rinsing, I noticed that a large amount of hair started to come off when I ran my fingers through my head. "Doug, I'm losing my hair!"
He answered matter of factly, "The doctor said it would."
"But Theresa (my sister in law) told me she lost her hair after the second chemo!"
"That's her experience," he answered again matter of factly.
Well at that point, I did not want matter of factly, I wanted sympathy! I wanted to cry and cry hard! But then I thought to myself: You have a cryo today. The Lord has given you peace about this. Don't disrupt this peace by adding more than you can handle. So I decided to put my feelings about my hair loss in the back burner for the meantime.
After my quiet time and prayer, the nurse came to the room a little past 8 to take me down to the operating room. I gave Doug a hug and just wanted to cry -- I'm not sure why.
I entered the operating room and remembered that I needed to go to the toilet. That was a mistake. The nurse led me to their scrub room and showed me where the toilet is --- its a squat toilet. First of all I had to figure out how to hold my pajamas so that I don't pee all over it and then try to get to standing position from squatting without hurting myself!
I got on the operating table and did not go to sleep as quickly as the first time. The surgeon had arrived and started to do an ultrasound to find the tumor. I thought: I better not close my eyes. They might think I am out and start with the procedure when I'm really still awake! But in no time, I went to sleep, seeing in my mind's eye the Lord cradling me in his arms.
I woke up after 9 am. They had bound my torso with something like a girdle and a sandbag in the area where I had surgery so that I could not move too much. Dr. Zhang saw me past 10 and was non-committal about when I will be sent back to the room. I guess they have to monitor me longer for signs of internal bleeding. So I tried to go back to sleep.
By 1:30 pm I had enough sleep and was famished and thirsty. The girdle feels like a strait jacket and I can feel every groove of the bed. It was getting hot and I started to kick off my covers but first I had to make sure my pajama pants were on. I did not want to accidentally moon the nurses at ICU!
I started to worship, pray, count the spots of the ceiling and tried to figure out how they got there. I have to have 9 infusions and each is excruciatingly slow. Thankfully, at 4:30 they let me go back to the room. As I stood up, I looked at the pillow: I wanted to go back with the same amount of hair as when I entered. I'm glad I am.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Old friends
I haven't had much contact with my high school friends since graduating in 1976 from the Assumption College. Perhaps the only one I've had contact all these years is Pilar Yupangco Pena. We had a chance to meet while we were still working in Manila and when she moved to the US, we continued to keep in touch although intermittently.
Last year, Giselle Valderama was able to trace me through a distant cousin. It was a nice surprise and before long, she became part of our communication network of friends and family. When she found out that I was going to China, she asked if she could share my news with other classmates. I told her that more people praying for me, the better.
So she sent out a letter asking for prayers and since then, I've been receiving email messages from classmates I had never talked to since '76! Some ask: do you still remember me? Of course I do! My husband can attest that I don't have the best memory but I remember the girls I went to school with.
Hearing from them is rather bittersweet. We were 16. Our whole life was ahead of us. We would have careers that would open doors for us. We would travel, maybe relocate to the US. We would marry and have children. We would settle down and live life to the full. We never factored in sickness, difficulties, wrong decisions, broken relationships but life can be a merciless teacher, stripping us of our innocence, jading our eyes. "We are the firebirds of youth..." I remember a line from our annual. Some of us have taken wing and soared; others had to limp along, broken.
But in all the messages I've received, I found friends whose faith in the Lord has become a bedrock for them. Like Job, when we were young we had heard about the Lord but now many of us have seen him with our own eyes! The challenges of life have made us a sisterhood of prayer --- upholding one another, mentioning each others name in the presence of the Lord, trusting that the Lord who has shown faithfulness to one, will show his faithfulness, favor and power to another.
Some have reminded me of our year motto: Dum Spiro Spero --- while I breathe, I hope. I have not forgotten and have often thought how apt our motto is. Hope is the anchor of my soul and that hope springs eternal in our Lord Jesus. When there is nothing else, Jesus is our sufficiency. And in my experience, when he is all I have, I have an abundance!
Thank you dear friends for your response to my need at the moment. I am reminded of an old proverb: Make new friends but don't forget the old. One is silver, the other gold.
In this Olympic season, you are gold to me!
Last year, Giselle Valderama was able to trace me through a distant cousin. It was a nice surprise and before long, she became part of our communication network of friends and family. When she found out that I was going to China, she asked if she could share my news with other classmates. I told her that more people praying for me, the better.
So she sent out a letter asking for prayers and since then, I've been receiving email messages from classmates I had never talked to since '76! Some ask: do you still remember me? Of course I do! My husband can attest that I don't have the best memory but I remember the girls I went to school with.
Hearing from them is rather bittersweet. We were 16. Our whole life was ahead of us. We would have careers that would open doors for us. We would travel, maybe relocate to the US. We would marry and have children. We would settle down and live life to the full. We never factored in sickness, difficulties, wrong decisions, broken relationships but life can be a merciless teacher, stripping us of our innocence, jading our eyes. "We are the firebirds of youth..." I remember a line from our annual. Some of us have taken wing and soared; others had to limp along, broken.
But in all the messages I've received, I found friends whose faith in the Lord has become a bedrock for them. Like Job, when we were young we had heard about the Lord but now many of us have seen him with our own eyes! The challenges of life have made us a sisterhood of prayer --- upholding one another, mentioning each others name in the presence of the Lord, trusting that the Lord who has shown faithfulness to one, will show his faithfulness, favor and power to another.
Some have reminded me of our year motto: Dum Spiro Spero --- while I breathe, I hope. I have not forgotten and have often thought how apt our motto is. Hope is the anchor of my soul and that hope springs eternal in our Lord Jesus. When there is nothing else, Jesus is our sufficiency. And in my experience, when he is all I have, I have an abundance!
Thank you dear friends for your response to my need at the moment. I am reminded of an old proverb: Make new friends but don't forget the old. One is silver, the other gold.
In this Olympic season, you are gold to me!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Hockey Fever
Doug couldn't believe his eyes! The Chinese channel that had been featuring the winter olympics usually shows only the games where their athletes are competing in. But this morning, they were going to feature the USA vs Canada Hockey game! Doug started to jump in glee! It takes so little to make him happy!
Hockey to a Canadian is like basketball to a Filipino. Its in the blood. Its a national passion. It brings out the best and the worst in people. In Canada, kids play hockey on the streets and cars don't mind having to stop until they clear out. Canadians proudly declare: its our game!
I had never seen a hockey game until 2001. I could never see the puck and wondered why players liked bashing into each other and falling all over the ice. So much violence and yet so much unashamed affection in one game! Then we watched the winter olympics in Salt Lake City in 2002 where Canada won its first gold after 50 years! And the game was against the US team! The hockey bug bit me and I turned into a true-blue or rather true-red and white Canadian hockey fan!
Since then, the boys especially Ben have been keeping up to date with who's who in hockey. Names like Mario Lemieux, Martin Brodeur, Curtis Joseph became household names. These were then replaced by Sidney Crosby, Eric Stahl and others. When we were in Canada last 2007, Doug really saved up some money to enroll Ben in a minor hockey league. From not knowing how to stop on skates, Ben became the most improved player on his team --- even scoring a couple of goals in some games.
So it was really special for Doug to watch the hockey game yesterday. However, it was nerve wracking as well since the final score of 5 to 3 went to the US team. What a drag! But who knows, the gold medal is still a couple of games away. Until that time, its: Go Canada!
P.S. The doctor just told me that my hemoglobin is low and that I need to eat more protein in order to increase this. She gave me an appetite stimulant and hopefully this will work. Otherwise, I may have to have a blood transfusion. Not something I want really. So please pray for good appetite (some Filipino food at this point would be great!).
Hockey to a Canadian is like basketball to a Filipino. Its in the blood. Its a national passion. It brings out the best and the worst in people. In Canada, kids play hockey on the streets and cars don't mind having to stop until they clear out. Canadians proudly declare: its our game!
I had never seen a hockey game until 2001. I could never see the puck and wondered why players liked bashing into each other and falling all over the ice. So much violence and yet so much unashamed affection in one game! Then we watched the winter olympics in Salt Lake City in 2002 where Canada won its first gold after 50 years! And the game was against the US team! The hockey bug bit me and I turned into a true-blue or rather true-red and white Canadian hockey fan!
Since then, the boys especially Ben have been keeping up to date with who's who in hockey. Names like Mario Lemieux, Martin Brodeur, Curtis Joseph became household names. These were then replaced by Sidney Crosby, Eric Stahl and others. When we were in Canada last 2007, Doug really saved up some money to enroll Ben in a minor hockey league. From not knowing how to stop on skates, Ben became the most improved player on his team --- even scoring a couple of goals in some games.
So it was really special for Doug to watch the hockey game yesterday. However, it was nerve wracking as well since the final score of 5 to 3 went to the US team. What a drag! But who knows, the gold medal is still a couple of games away. Until that time, its: Go Canada!
P.S. The doctor just told me that my hemoglobin is low and that I need to eat more protein in order to increase this. She gave me an appetite stimulant and hopefully this will work. Otherwise, I may have to have a blood transfusion. Not something I want really. So please pray for good appetite (some Filipino food at this point would be great!).
Sunday, February 21, 2010
My first cryosurgery - Feb. 20
Whenever I am anxious, psalm 91 always calms my soul. I read it several times this morning. The doctor told me that my blood test showed that my white blood cells is up to 8.8 so the surgery will proceed this morning.
A nurse picked me up at 10:30 am. The doctor told Doug that depending on my condition, I may return to my room either tonight or the next day. That surprised me because I was told that the surgery itself would only last about 30 minutes. Doug gave me a hug and reassured me that he would be praying for me.
I was brought to the operating room. They hooked up the oxygen as soon as I laid down. The last thing I remembered was thanking the Lord that he is with me.
I woke up at 1:20 pm and I was shivering --- shaking like a maple leaf on a cold autumn day. I immediately called the nurse and told her that I was very cold despite the fact that I had 3 thick blankets on top of me. She changed my infusion (ivy) and soon, my temperature settled. The pain in my chest also subsided. I asked the nurse when I could go back to my room. She said that my vital signs were good and maybe if the doctor ok's it, I could be back by 2:30 pm. In the meantime, the ICU was getting full.
The doctor saw me at 4:00 pm and checked me out. She said that I can be sent back to the room. I was wheeled out at 5 pm and was glad to be back to the comfort of my room and see Doug. I wasn't very hungry and just had some soup. I felt very tired and just wanted to sleep but since I had a fever, they encouraged me to drink lots of water which meant lots of visits to the toilet. Thankfully by 3 am, the fever left.
Today, I feel well but tired. This morning, I remember my family and friends who have lifted me up in prayer. I know that I am recovering well because of their faithfulness in mentioning my name to the Father. How blessed I am!
A nurse picked me up at 10:30 am. The doctor told Doug that depending on my condition, I may return to my room either tonight or the next day. That surprised me because I was told that the surgery itself would only last about 30 minutes. Doug gave me a hug and reassured me that he would be praying for me.
I was brought to the operating room. They hooked up the oxygen as soon as I laid down. The last thing I remembered was thanking the Lord that he is with me.
I woke up at 1:20 pm and I was shivering --- shaking like a maple leaf on a cold autumn day. I immediately called the nurse and told her that I was very cold despite the fact that I had 3 thick blankets on top of me. She changed my infusion (ivy) and soon, my temperature settled. The pain in my chest also subsided. I asked the nurse when I could go back to my room. She said that my vital signs were good and maybe if the doctor ok's it, I could be back by 2:30 pm. In the meantime, the ICU was getting full.
The doctor saw me at 4:00 pm and checked me out. She said that I can be sent back to the room. I was wheeled out at 5 pm and was glad to be back to the comfort of my room and see Doug. I wasn't very hungry and just had some soup. I felt very tired and just wanted to sleep but since I had a fever, they encouraged me to drink lots of water which meant lots of visits to the toilet. Thankfully by 3 am, the fever left.
Today, I feel well but tired. This morning, I remember my family and friends who have lifted me up in prayer. I know that I am recovering well because of their faithfulness in mentioning my name to the Father. How blessed I am!
My first day out - Feb. 19
Doug just got back from the gym and told me that it wasn't so cold outside. Maybe we could walk to a restaurant close by and try their food. I was ready in a jiffy. I had not been outside the walls of Fuda Hospital since we arrived on Feb. 6 and I wanted to see what the neighborhood looked like.
The nurses told me to dress warm so I put on all the sweaters that I brought. Most of the shops were still close --- today is the last day of the Chinese New Year Holidays. A few shops were open --- most of the things on display were winter wear though.
We got to the restaurant and they had dishes on display. Problem is we could not tell what the ingredients were --- especially the meat ingredients. We did not want to end up with pig's stomach or something similar to that! The menu did not help either because it was all in Chinese. The receptionist got us the youngest waitress who understood more English than she could speak. She recommended a dish that had like 5 kinds of mushrooms. We saw a group of people who had ordered siopao so we pointed that out to her too.
We took our seats and the waitress gave us our plates, bowls, chopsticks and poured some tea into our cups. She put down a small stainless steel bowl. She motioned to Doug who was quick enough to realize that she wanted us to pour tea into our dishes and chopsticks to sanitize them. We then poured the tea into the steel bowl. I would have been happier to have a sponge and dishwashing liquid but when in Guangzhou, do as the Cantonese do!
We were happy with what we ordered and walked out to the front of the restaurant. It was then that we realized they had the more exotic dishes on display. They had crocodile meat, eel and turtle. I noticed that even in the menu of the restaurant that services the hospital, they have dishes with frog and snake. One day, I ordered soup with lotus seeds. I was shocked to find out that lotus seeds look like little eyeballs! It was kinda freaky eating soup with eyeballs staring at you! I did try a few lotus seeds and it tasted like chickpeas but I could only stomach a few. No thanks!
The nurses told me to dress warm so I put on all the sweaters that I brought. Most of the shops were still close --- today is the last day of the Chinese New Year Holidays. A few shops were open --- most of the things on display were winter wear though.
We got to the restaurant and they had dishes on display. Problem is we could not tell what the ingredients were --- especially the meat ingredients. We did not want to end up with pig's stomach or something similar to that! The menu did not help either because it was all in Chinese. The receptionist got us the youngest waitress who understood more English than she could speak. She recommended a dish that had like 5 kinds of mushrooms. We saw a group of people who had ordered siopao so we pointed that out to her too.
We took our seats and the waitress gave us our plates, bowls, chopsticks and poured some tea into our cups. She put down a small stainless steel bowl. She motioned to Doug who was quick enough to realize that she wanted us to pour tea into our dishes and chopsticks to sanitize them. We then poured the tea into the steel bowl. I would have been happier to have a sponge and dishwashing liquid but when in Guangzhou, do as the Cantonese do!
We were happy with what we ordered and walked out to the front of the restaurant. It was then that we realized they had the more exotic dishes on display. They had crocodile meat, eel and turtle. I noticed that even in the menu of the restaurant that services the hospital, they have dishes with frog and snake. One day, I ordered soup with lotus seeds. I was shocked to find out that lotus seeds look like little eyeballs! It was kinda freaky eating soup with eyeballs staring at you! I did try a few lotus seeds and it tasted like chickpeas but I could only stomach a few. No thanks!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Waiting
It's the 17th and I am waiting. My white blood cell (wbc) count is actually normal (4.6) but since the effect of the chemo is to depress the production of wbc, they want to keep it high (around 10). So they keep injecting me to produce more wbc.
I haven't had a fever but today I am tired. I have had quite an energy spurt the past two or three days so I am glad to be able to wind down a bit. Its been quite cold lately --- like 5 deg. C. I would like to go around and explore the neighborhood but I will have to wait for a warmer day. The cold does not deter Doug at all. He continues his daily trip to the gym to keep him fit and sane. I look forward to his return when he brings me a pasalubong --- some fruit, nuts, chips, etc. Today, even if it is cold, I hope he brings some ice cream home! I've had this craving for days!
We found a Chinese channel that features some of the winter Olympic events which makes Doug a happy man! He hasn't watched a hockey game since we left Canada and so he is looking forward to it. Go Canada!
In the meantime, I comfort myself with an old proverb: good things come to those who wait.
I haven't had a fever but today I am tired. I have had quite an energy spurt the past two or three days so I am glad to be able to wind down a bit. Its been quite cold lately --- like 5 deg. C. I would like to go around and explore the neighborhood but I will have to wait for a warmer day. The cold does not deter Doug at all. He continues his daily trip to the gym to keep him fit and sane. I look forward to his return when he brings me a pasalubong --- some fruit, nuts, chips, etc. Today, even if it is cold, I hope he brings some ice cream home! I've had this craving for days!
We found a Chinese channel that features some of the winter Olympic events which makes Doug a happy man! He hasn't watched a hockey game since we left Canada and so he is looking forward to it. Go Canada!
In the meantime, I comfort myself with an old proverb: good things come to those who wait.
Jonina
Jonina wants to have a boyfriend and I can't imagine why! It's not like she needs to have her looks validated. She is a pretty girl. Whenever I am in the mall with her, people always give her a second look. Strange guys try to start conversations with her or get her cel no. Not the usual thing that happens to an ordinary girl.
She is smart and talented. She can keep a conversation going. She is creative and loves to read and write plays, essays, short stories, etc. She is well traveled and has learned about people in other cultures. She has lots of friends and to my knowledge, none of her really close friends have boyfriends so its not like she is jealous of anyone. She loves the Lord and is quite mature in her faith. So why would she need a boyfriend?
A boy will only distract her from the things that she likes to do. He will demand her time and want her to spend it with him exclusively. He will hinder her from meeting other men who might be, well, better husband material in the future. He may not be so mature in his spiritual leadership and may dampen her passion for the Lord.
But Jonina wants to have a boyfriend. Being a good mom, I decided to set the bar: "Ok," I told her, "you can have a boyfriend if you win the Ms. Cebu contest!"
"Mom," she protested,"that will never happen!"
I smiled: that's the whole idea!
She is smart and talented. She can keep a conversation going. She is creative and loves to read and write plays, essays, short stories, etc. She is well traveled and has learned about people in other cultures. She has lots of friends and to my knowledge, none of her really close friends have boyfriends so its not like she is jealous of anyone. She loves the Lord and is quite mature in her faith. So why would she need a boyfriend?
A boy will only distract her from the things that she likes to do. He will demand her time and want her to spend it with him exclusively. He will hinder her from meeting other men who might be, well, better husband material in the future. He may not be so mature in his spiritual leadership and may dampen her passion for the Lord.
But Jonina wants to have a boyfriend. Being a good mom, I decided to set the bar: "Ok," I told her, "you can have a boyfriend if you win the Ms. Cebu contest!"
"Mom," she protested,"that will never happen!"
I smiled: that's the whole idea!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Happy Chinese New Year
I spent Chinese New Year's eve and day with a fever. I was sleepy the whole day while they infused me with white blood cells and whatever else. There were some firecrackers but surprisingly, I think we have more back in the Philippines. Maybe it's our location.
It was cold and dreary on New Year's day but the smiles and cheerfulness of the staff more than made up for the depressing climate. The head doctor came in with the other doctors and brought a large tin of butter cookies as a gift for the New Year. We thought it was very kind of them. Doug had bought me a box of chocolates for Valentines (my favorite treat!) but since I had a fever I told him that I would probably just have one so I won't depress my immune system. So Doug offered chocolates to the nurses and the doctors.
Some Filipino guys came over and invited us to do the Pearl Cruise tomorrow night. Sounds like fun but since its been cold and wet, I doubt if I should be going out especially since I just got over my fever. I think Doug would enjoy it. He needs the fellowship and interaction. They also told us that they've worked out a system in their floor that they just buy the raw ingredients for a dish (like sinigang) and then give it to some Filipino lady in another room who cooks it up for them! Bayanihan talaga. I've been craving pinakbet for some reason. Can't wait to get home and eat some comfort food!
It was cold and dreary on New Year's day but the smiles and cheerfulness of the staff more than made up for the depressing climate. The head doctor came in with the other doctors and brought a large tin of butter cookies as a gift for the New Year. We thought it was very kind of them. Doug had bought me a box of chocolates for Valentines (my favorite treat!) but since I had a fever I told him that I would probably just have one so I won't depress my immune system. So Doug offered chocolates to the nurses and the doctors.
Some Filipino guys came over and invited us to do the Pearl Cruise tomorrow night. Sounds like fun but since its been cold and wet, I doubt if I should be going out especially since I just got over my fever. I think Doug would enjoy it. He needs the fellowship and interaction. They also told us that they've worked out a system in their floor that they just buy the raw ingredients for a dish (like sinigang) and then give it to some Filipino lady in another room who cooks it up for them! Bayanihan talaga. I've been craving pinakbet for some reason. Can't wait to get home and eat some comfort food!
Finally, my first chemo: Feb. 11
It was 3 pm when the nurse went to my room and told me that she was taking me down to have my first local chemo. I had just told Doug to go to the gym since I did not think anything would happen today.
I dutifully followed the nurse and began praying. I was thankful for the Lord's presence. I was immediately attended to. After local anesthesia on my leg they inserted a tube into my artery. With the help of a machine, the doctor tried to locate the network of blood vessels that was feeding the tumors. He then followed this network with a tube through which the chemo drug would be injected.
A few minutes after injecting, I realized that I had some difficult in breathing. The doctor immediately noticed my reaction and I was so glad that nothing was lost in the translation when I told them how I felt! The nurse immediately gave me an oxygen tube and another doctor checked on my heart rate. Thanks to my lamaze training, instead of panicking, I took deep breaths until my heart beat normalized.
The procedure lasted about 40 minutes and then I was wheeled back to my room. Right after, I was then infused one after another with ivies to protect my heart, liver, stomach, reduce the side effects, etc. I found it ironic that after putting toxic drugs in my body to kill the cancer, they now have to make sure the rest of my body is protected! I thought that there must be a more logical way to deal with cancer in the future!
I was advised by the doctor not to move my leg which still had the tube in my artery. I was also advised to drink as much water as I can so that I will not suffer too much the side effects of the chemo drug. In order to do this, I had the distinct privilege of learning how to use a bed pan!
The sensation of peeing in a bed pan is like no other. When you are used to the toilet, you know that gravity will let your urine flow down. When you use a bed pan, you feel like gravity has played a trick on you and instead of flowing down, your urine flows all the way to your back before making a u-turn back to the pan! I never got used to that feeling even if I had to use it several times!
One thing I learned, never measure your husband's love using a bed pan! "I have proven my love to you in many ways," said Doug, "This doesn't count." So don't take it personally if he refuses to wake up in the middle of the night so that you can use the bed pan. Men are not genetically wired to do things like that (just like they don't hear the baby cry at night!). Thank goodness they have nurses here who answer every beep you send to their station.
I dutifully followed the nurse and began praying. I was thankful for the Lord's presence. I was immediately attended to. After local anesthesia on my leg they inserted a tube into my artery. With the help of a machine, the doctor tried to locate the network of blood vessels that was feeding the tumors. He then followed this network with a tube through which the chemo drug would be injected.
A few minutes after injecting, I realized that I had some difficult in breathing. The doctor immediately noticed my reaction and I was so glad that nothing was lost in the translation when I told them how I felt! The nurse immediately gave me an oxygen tube and another doctor checked on my heart rate. Thanks to my lamaze training, instead of panicking, I took deep breaths until my heart beat normalized.
The procedure lasted about 40 minutes and then I was wheeled back to my room. Right after, I was then infused one after another with ivies to protect my heart, liver, stomach, reduce the side effects, etc. I found it ironic that after putting toxic drugs in my body to kill the cancer, they now have to make sure the rest of my body is protected! I thought that there must be a more logical way to deal with cancer in the future!
I was advised by the doctor not to move my leg which still had the tube in my artery. I was also advised to drink as much water as I can so that I will not suffer too much the side effects of the chemo drug. In order to do this, I had the distinct privilege of learning how to use a bed pan!
The sensation of peeing in a bed pan is like no other. When you are used to the toilet, you know that gravity will let your urine flow down. When you use a bed pan, you feel like gravity has played a trick on you and instead of flowing down, your urine flows all the way to your back before making a u-turn back to the pan! I never got used to that feeling even if I had to use it several times!
One thing I learned, never measure your husband's love using a bed pan! "I have proven my love to you in many ways," said Doug, "This doesn't count." So don't take it personally if he refuses to wake up in the middle of the night so that you can use the bed pan. Men are not genetically wired to do things like that (just like they don't hear the baby cry at night!). Thank goodness they have nurses here who answer every beep you send to their station.
My mother
I love my mom. She was not the typical hands-on mom. I don't think she ever prepared our formulas or fed us when we could eat, much less changed our diapers. You see, after she got married to my dad, she was thrust into the world of politicians' wives. She campaigned for dad, met leaders, socialized, did charity work and what have you.
I never knew her as I was growing up. She was just this beautiful lady who dutifully attended our school functions. My classmates would look at her and gasp: is that your mom? I would self-consciously nod yes because in no way did I resemble her.
But I discovered my mom when I started to like boys. I found that I could talk to her openly about it and she listened without judgment. She talked about her boyfriends and I felt privileged to be confided with such information. I not only found my mom, I found a friend too.
And so our friendship and relationship grew as I passed through the different phases of my adult life. Since we lived apart for many years, the telephone was our special friend. When mom remarried and moved to the States, she called almost every week for the first few months from Los Angeles. Landon, our step-dad was so gracious not to show her the phone bills. He knew it was difficult for her to leave 4 kids behind.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 while in Canada for furlough, I remember walking with Doug to the parking lot. There was silence between us because of the heaviness of the news. I then said, "I hope mom doesn't call."
Well, she did. It was light banter for a while as she told me how her day went. Then she asked the question that I dreaded: "So, how are you?" I broke down and told her about the diagnosis. Mom listened intently and hardly said anything. I tried to compose myself and say: "Mom, please don't worry about me," but it was difficult to break through my sobs. Mom only replied: "How can I not worry about you." Mom never broke down that day and I don't think I ever heard her breakdown in my presence. But when my sisters called, they told me of how mom cried when she talked about me. I guess mom wanted to be strong for me. Maybe I did need her to be just that.
She flew to Peterborough to be with me when I had my mastectomy. She kept reminding me: "put me to work. I'm here to help." But it was hard to do that --- besides Doug had everything in control. It was just great to have her around. I thought it was important for her to be with the kids when I was in the hospital for the night --- especially for Mandee who did not want to go to school that day but wait in the car until the surgery was done.
It was my brother Dino and mom who collaborated together to help out with my treatments when we got back to Cebu. Later, they discussed the possibility of sending me to Fuda when it seemed like we had exhausted everything else. They made me feel that my health issues were not a burden to the family. Doug and I are so grateful for that.
When we got the results of the PET scan and the treatment options, I talked to mom and Dino. I began to tell her that it would cost more than we originally thought it would. She simply said: "Don't worry about it." When I told her about having chemo and the other treatments, she plainly told me, "Be positive about it Marla and remember, it's just hair."
I thought about those three statements and realized that mom had reduced all those complicated issues into 3 profound truths. It couldn't have been simpler or more loving.
I never knew her as I was growing up. She was just this beautiful lady who dutifully attended our school functions. My classmates would look at her and gasp: is that your mom? I would self-consciously nod yes because in no way did I resemble her.
But I discovered my mom when I started to like boys. I found that I could talk to her openly about it and she listened without judgment. She talked about her boyfriends and I felt privileged to be confided with such information. I not only found my mom, I found a friend too.
And so our friendship and relationship grew as I passed through the different phases of my adult life. Since we lived apart for many years, the telephone was our special friend. When mom remarried and moved to the States, she called almost every week for the first few months from Los Angeles. Landon, our step-dad was so gracious not to show her the phone bills. He knew it was difficult for her to leave 4 kids behind.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 while in Canada for furlough, I remember walking with Doug to the parking lot. There was silence between us because of the heaviness of the news. I then said, "I hope mom doesn't call."
Well, she did. It was light banter for a while as she told me how her day went. Then she asked the question that I dreaded: "So, how are you?" I broke down and told her about the diagnosis. Mom listened intently and hardly said anything. I tried to compose myself and say: "Mom, please don't worry about me," but it was difficult to break through my sobs. Mom only replied: "How can I not worry about you." Mom never broke down that day and I don't think I ever heard her breakdown in my presence. But when my sisters called, they told me of how mom cried when she talked about me. I guess mom wanted to be strong for me. Maybe I did need her to be just that.
She flew to Peterborough to be with me when I had my mastectomy. She kept reminding me: "put me to work. I'm here to help." But it was hard to do that --- besides Doug had everything in control. It was just great to have her around. I thought it was important for her to be with the kids when I was in the hospital for the night --- especially for Mandee who did not want to go to school that day but wait in the car until the surgery was done.
It was my brother Dino and mom who collaborated together to help out with my treatments when we got back to Cebu. Later, they discussed the possibility of sending me to Fuda when it seemed like we had exhausted everything else. They made me feel that my health issues were not a burden to the family. Doug and I are so grateful for that.
When we got the results of the PET scan and the treatment options, I talked to mom and Dino. I began to tell her that it would cost more than we originally thought it would. She simply said: "Don't worry about it." When I told her about having chemo and the other treatments, she plainly told me, "Be positive about it Marla and remember, it's just hair."
I thought about those three statements and realized that mom had reduced all those complicated issues into 3 profound truths. It couldn't have been simpler or more loving.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Waiting for my first local chemo
When I realized that I could no longer avoid chemo, I just braced myself and reminded myself that the Lord has not missed one step with me in all my years of following him. The doctor said that since it is localized, the side effects may not be as severe. "Will I lose my hair?, " I asked her. "Yes you may." I bit my lip.
With the severity of my condition, I knew that I had to submit to all that they suggested. The doctor understood when I asked for more time to think about the treatment options. I don't even know why I asked for more time --- maybe I wanted some semblance of control even if I knew in my heart, I had absolutely no more control over this disease that has ravaged my body. My only consolation is that the Lord is there: sovereign, high and lifted up.
I allowed myself to grieve and let all my fears out through my tears. Sometimes I had to laugh at the irony of it all: chemo, side effects, general anaesthesia, pain --- all my fears coming to a head in the 5 weeks we will be here! I can't run away from it. I have to face it but I don't face it alone.
I am so glad that Doug is with me. When my emotions go crazy, he leads me back to where I should be. He prays for me even when I am too tired to lift up my voice. He plays music on the ipod which I haven't figured out to work. He takes away the stress of choosing our meals and massages me when I feel so worn out from the day. Its good he has lots of friends and is not afraid to take the local buses to places away from here. As for me, I feel like I'm in a cocoon. I like it though. I have time to read, to pray and just de-stress. And write.
I was ready since 7 am today for the chemo. I asked the nurse if I had to change into a hospital gown. She pointed to the pair of white pajamas with blue stripes they had in the room. I held it up for her to see. It was XXXL. My whole body could fit into 1 pant leg! Thankfully, they come back with the smallest one they could find. I try it on and look at myself --- I look like a survivor from the holocaust! I don't know if I prefer the hospital gowns back home where your butt sticks out!
The doctor came at 9 and told me that I will have it around 10:30 to 11. Later, she returned to apologize that their machine is out of order and that I may have the chemo either this afternoon or tomorrow. It will be their last working day tom. before the chinese new year.
In the meantime, I'm waiting in my pajamas.
With the severity of my condition, I knew that I had to submit to all that they suggested. The doctor understood when I asked for more time to think about the treatment options. I don't even know why I asked for more time --- maybe I wanted some semblance of control even if I knew in my heart, I had absolutely no more control over this disease that has ravaged my body. My only consolation is that the Lord is there: sovereign, high and lifted up.
I allowed myself to grieve and let all my fears out through my tears. Sometimes I had to laugh at the irony of it all: chemo, side effects, general anaesthesia, pain --- all my fears coming to a head in the 5 weeks we will be here! I can't run away from it. I have to face it but I don't face it alone.
I am so glad that Doug is with me. When my emotions go crazy, he leads me back to where I should be. He prays for me even when I am too tired to lift up my voice. He plays music on the ipod which I haven't figured out to work. He takes away the stress of choosing our meals and massages me when I feel so worn out from the day. Its good he has lots of friends and is not afraid to take the local buses to places away from here. As for me, I feel like I'm in a cocoon. I like it though. I have time to read, to pray and just de-stress. And write.
I was ready since 7 am today for the chemo. I asked the nurse if I had to change into a hospital gown. She pointed to the pair of white pajamas with blue stripes they had in the room. I held it up for her to see. It was XXXL. My whole body could fit into 1 pant leg! Thankfully, they come back with the smallest one they could find. I try it on and look at myself --- I look like a survivor from the holocaust! I don't know if I prefer the hospital gowns back home where your butt sticks out!
The doctor came at 9 and told me that I will have it around 10:30 to 11. Later, she returned to apologize that their machine is out of order and that I may have the chemo either this afternoon or tomorrow. It will be their last working day tom. before the chinese new year.
In the meantime, I'm waiting in my pajamas.
February 10, 2010
Dear family and friends,
We arrived safely at the Fuda hospital at around midnight on Feb. 6. It was a long day and we thank God for His grace. The staff immediately arranged for tests the next day. On Monday I was scheduled for a PET/CT scan. I got the results on Tuesday.
Not a pretty picture…
The scan showed that the cancer has metastasized in various parts of my bones, such as my spine, ribs, pelvic area etc.. They also found cancer in some lymph nodes and a tumor on my liver. The Doctor is amazed that I am feeling well and have no pain despite my condition. “Truly God is my helper, He is the one who keeps me alive.” (Ps.30:2)
The Doctor has suggested I go through 4 cycles of localized chemo to address the metastases in various parts of my body. She is also suggesting Cryosurgery to remove the large tumor on my chest and the one on my liver. For my immune system I have a treatment called comprehensive immuno-therapy for cancer. We are in full agreement with the Doctor’s suggestions and would like to share an outline of the treatment schedule with you so you can pray specifically.
February 10 Immunotherapy begins
February 11 Local chemo
February 12 Zoledronic acid to stop further metastasis in the bones
February 20 cryosurgery on breast tumor (Doug’s birthday!)
February 26 cryosurgery on liver tumor
March 4 Local chemo
They are suggesting I will return to the Philippines on March 10 and return a month later for 2 more cycles of local chemo.
But those who trust in Him will never be disappointed!
The PET/CT scan gave us a clear picture of the extent and spread of cancer throughout my body and will be an even clearer evidence of God’s healing power and presence in my life as He continues to touch, sustain and heal me of this cursed disease. As the Doctor’s fight the physical effect of cancer in my body we will fight with the weapons of faith and persistent prayer. We know that He has already won this battle for us at the cross and He will fight for us and bring us through to victory! Please help us to hold up our hands in prayer without doubting because the battle is raging and we need His grace to see us through. (Exodus 17:10-16)
We arrived safely at the Fuda hospital at around midnight on Feb. 6. It was a long day and we thank God for His grace. The staff immediately arranged for tests the next day. On Monday I was scheduled for a PET/CT scan. I got the results on Tuesday.
Not a pretty picture…
The scan showed that the cancer has metastasized in various parts of my bones, such as my spine, ribs, pelvic area etc.. They also found cancer in some lymph nodes and a tumor on my liver. The Doctor is amazed that I am feeling well and have no pain despite my condition. “Truly God is my helper, He is the one who keeps me alive.” (Ps.30:2)
The Doctor has suggested I go through 4 cycles of localized chemo to address the metastases in various parts of my body. She is also suggesting Cryosurgery to remove the large tumor on my chest and the one on my liver. For my immune system I have a treatment called comprehensive immuno-therapy for cancer. We are in full agreement with the Doctor’s suggestions and would like to share an outline of the treatment schedule with you so you can pray specifically.
February 10 Immunotherapy begins
February 11 Local chemo
February 12 Zoledronic acid to stop further metastasis in the bones
February 20 cryosurgery on breast tumor (Doug’s birthday!)
February 26 cryosurgery on liver tumor
March 4 Local chemo
They are suggesting I will return to the Philippines on March 10 and return a month later for 2 more cycles of local chemo.
But those who trust in Him will never be disappointed!
The PET/CT scan gave us a clear picture of the extent and spread of cancer throughout my body and will be an even clearer evidence of God’s healing power and presence in my life as He continues to touch, sustain and heal me of this cursed disease. As the Doctor’s fight the physical effect of cancer in my body we will fight with the weapons of faith and persistent prayer. We know that He has already won this battle for us at the cross and He will fight for us and bring us through to victory! Please help us to hold up our hands in prayer without doubting because the battle is raging and we need His grace to see us through. (Exodus 17:10-16)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Got to Guangzhou!
Feb. 6 was a long travel day. We left home at 9 am and finally reached Fuda Hospital at midnight. I was so thankful for the Lord's grace and the chance I had to rest while in Hong Kong for a 6 hour lay-over. I was obviously sad leaving the kids behind. As I thought of each of them, I could only cry and pray that the Lord will take care of each of them. They are all so precious to me. Cards from dear friends also added to my sadness. I knew that if I succumb to all my sad feelings, I would feel even more tired. I laid it all down: Lord you are in control.
I had requested a wheel chair because my legs were not exactly working properly 2 days prior to our departure. It was a bit embarrasing to be not so old and requesting a wheel-chair but I knew that I did not want to tire myself too much. I found out something that day: wheel-chair pushers (WCP) are related to taxi drivers! On the thoroughfares of airport terminals, they push their way past anyone going slower than 5 km/hr, they can cut infront of you without apology, they expect you to make way for them, they know every short cut. Despite my fear of collision, I did not mind the perks: we skipped queues, were attended to immediately by security and immigration personnel and boarded the plane before everyone else. When we were in Hong Kong, Doug must have tipped the first WCP really well bec. when it was time for us to go to the gate for our last flight, we had 2 wheel chairs! One for him and one for me! After some arguement between the WCP (at least it sounded like they were arguing), one got to push me and the other one got candy from the terminal lounge receptionist. The scariest was the WCP in Guangzhou. He wheeled me from the airport gate, on to the street and brought me to my pick-up limo: an ambulance from Fuda Hospital! Doug who was following him closely almost got run over by a taxi! I was thankful to get into the ambulance and to find that it had seats. We are in Guangzhou!
First Lazy Day
A nurse came in at 7 am to draw some blood from me. I waved at her when she came in. You see, Doug was in the patient bed which is larger and I was in the extra bed. I wanted to make sure she did not make a mistake.
I hardly slept at all last night. Not unusual for me. At about 9, a young female doctor Dr. Zhang who will be my attending physician came to ask about my medical history. We did not have much problem understanding each other. She said that she will see if she can schedule me for a PET scan tomorrow. The results come the day after and on Wednesday, we can talk more about treatment options. I am glad that things are moving quickly.
I spent most of the day just sleeping and eating. Doug has made his presence known already and now has many new friends. He hasn't been through the length and breath of Fuda Hospital yet but then 5 weeks is a long time. There seems to be a Filipino community in the hospital.
Doug ventured out this morning to find a store and was able to find his way using the 5 Chinese sentences he learned in university. He wants to find a fitness club that has a pool so that he can go back to his exercise routine. After our first day, he decided that he is bored already! In fact, he was so bored, he decided to shave his mustache!
I looked at him in disbelief and thought: Oh my goodness, for the last 21 years I've been married to Mr. Clean and did not even know it!
We had our first full Chinese meal this evening. I have to fast after midnight for the PET scan. I tried to eat so much and decided that I don't want to eat Chinese food for the next month! Lord we need your grace!
I had requested a wheel chair because my legs were not exactly working properly 2 days prior to our departure. It was a bit embarrasing to be not so old and requesting a wheel-chair but I knew that I did not want to tire myself too much. I found out something that day: wheel-chair pushers (WCP) are related to taxi drivers! On the thoroughfares of airport terminals, they push their way past anyone going slower than 5 km/hr, they can cut infront of you without apology, they expect you to make way for them, they know every short cut. Despite my fear of collision, I did not mind the perks: we skipped queues, were attended to immediately by security and immigration personnel and boarded the plane before everyone else. When we were in Hong Kong, Doug must have tipped the first WCP really well bec. when it was time for us to go to the gate for our last flight, we had 2 wheel chairs! One for him and one for me! After some arguement between the WCP (at least it sounded like they were arguing), one got to push me and the other one got candy from the terminal lounge receptionist. The scariest was the WCP in Guangzhou. He wheeled me from the airport gate, on to the street and brought me to my pick-up limo: an ambulance from Fuda Hospital! Doug who was following him closely almost got run over by a taxi! I was thankful to get into the ambulance and to find that it had seats. We are in Guangzhou!
First Lazy Day
A nurse came in at 7 am to draw some blood from me. I waved at her when she came in. You see, Doug was in the patient bed which is larger and I was in the extra bed. I wanted to make sure she did not make a mistake.
I hardly slept at all last night. Not unusual for me. At about 9, a young female doctor Dr. Zhang who will be my attending physician came to ask about my medical history. We did not have much problem understanding each other. She said that she will see if she can schedule me for a PET scan tomorrow. The results come the day after and on Wednesday, we can talk more about treatment options. I am glad that things are moving quickly.
I spent most of the day just sleeping and eating. Doug has made his presence known already and now has many new friends. He hasn't been through the length and breath of Fuda Hospital yet but then 5 weeks is a long time. There seems to be a Filipino community in the hospital.
Doug ventured out this morning to find a store and was able to find his way using the 5 Chinese sentences he learned in university. He wants to find a fitness club that has a pool so that he can go back to his exercise routine. After our first day, he decided that he is bored already! In fact, he was so bored, he decided to shave his mustache!
I looked at him in disbelief and thought: Oh my goodness, for the last 21 years I've been married to Mr. Clean and did not even know it!
We had our first full Chinese meal this evening. I have to fast after midnight for the PET scan. I tried to eat so much and decided that I don't want to eat Chinese food for the next month! Lord we need your grace!
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