22 Years and Counting

On January 28, Doug and I celebrated 22 years since we stood before family and friends and committed to love one another no matter what life threw our way "until death do we part."

Doug and I are different in many ways: he's a "wake up with the sun" morning person and I find the nocturnal life more appealing. He's an incurable optomist and I am forever seeing the clouds behind the silver lining. He the spontaneous "live the moment" kind of guy and I am the deliberate "lets plan for 5 years" organizer. He's the typical Canadian who wants to be on time even for a party. I am the typical Filipino who thinks if we come on time, even the host will not be dressed yet. He likes to keep drawers and cabinets closed. I open them and think they will close by themselves. Vacations and family time together is always a priority for him. If it were up to me, our family holidays will consist of renting a movie and eating popcorn. Nothing is too expensive for someone he loves. I am always adding pesos in my head when I receive anything. Have I even mentioned humor? Filipino humor holds nothing sacred. Filipinos love to laugh at anything and everything and they don't care at whose expense. Canadians would never laugh when someone slips on a banana peel. Now you know what a Filipino would do. (I learned very early on in our marriage that I needed a drastic pradigm shift in this area if I wanted to stay married to Doug!)

Someone once said, when two people who are so different marry, it proves that God has a sense of humor. I have a funny feeling, God was rolling on his sides when I said yes to Doug's proposal!

Despite our differences, somehow we found love and love has kept us together all these years. I am grateful for his committment to me and to our family. This year, he gave me a card that simply said: I'd choose you all over again. Despite the difficult, uncertain, challenging times, his choice would still be me. What a comfort, what an anchor for my soul that knowledge is. I can continue to count on him to stand with me, walk me through and stick it out until we get to the other end.

Let me let you in on a secret: when we were on our honeymoon, Doug and I memorized scripture. Tell me: how many couples do you know did this?! We memorized James chapter 1. I remember not being very comfortable with the choice since the word "trials" appears right at verse 2. But in retrospect, the verses have become very meaningful to me personally and to us as a couple and a family. I found the version in The Message by Eugene Peterson quite interesting:

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you can become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open... (verses 2-8)

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life...(verse 12)

So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures. (verses 16-18)

For sure, our faith has been tested through the various experiences we've had as a couple. We are thankful for the Father's ever present grace and mercy through the years. We pray that we will always be loyal in our love for God and look forward to a reward of "life and more life."

I am thankful for the first 22 years and trust that the Lord will grant me more years so that I can grow old with my honey.

Hope for 2011

As another year turns a page in my life, I am faced with the realization that the struggle towards health continues. 2010 saw me spend a total of 7 weeks in China, undergoing various treatments after knowing the full extent of the cancer spread in my body. Oral chemo made a difference in shrinking most of the tumors on my chest. However, even before I finished 8 cycles, I noticed new small growths which signified that my body was getting immune of the effects of the drug. When I stopped the drugs, the new growths became larger and other new tumors appeared. It looked like I was back to square one.

In addition to this, I have been receiving monthly infusions for the bone metastasis. While taking the chemo drug, I did not suffer any side effects. When I stopped the drug, I began to experience body pains at different times. My energy level had likewise gone down and I had to pace myself in order not to tire myself to the point of being useless.

Over the holidays, conflicting test results delayed a prescription for hormonal treatments. I finally got new test results and have been prescribed to take drugs that should help reduce the new tumors and stop new ones from appearing. After trying to find the cheapest supplier, I started with the new drugs on Monday.

Through the wait, I found myself once again in the winter of my soul. I had thought of stopping the pharmaceutical drugs since I no longer wanted the side effects and felt like its efficacy was like touch and go. Going back to alternative supplements seemed logical but knowing that I had tried it all, made me wary about doing it as a stand alone treatment. My heart and my mind battled. Do I have the luxury of time or will waiting just put me at greater risk? Can I give myself 90 days to try out new supplements that do not promise anything? Will I be able to withstand the side effects of the drugs?

In the midst of my confusion, I felt like hope was slowly melting away. In the midst of the pain, I found myself crying out to the Lord: how long, Oh Lord? How much longer will I feed on my tears and my fears? I have tried everything but the monster of cancer keeps on rearing its head, making its presence known. I feel so battle weary and could only utter one short prayer: Lord, help!

Yet even when I feel the Lord is silent, I know that I am not abandoned. One morning when I was struggling with pain, I was led to Lamentations 3:19-24,

“The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’”(NLT)

I know those words are true. In the three years of this struggle, I have seen the Lord’s unfailing love sustain me. He has carried me through many difficult, painful times. I have tasted his goodness and know that there is more from the source when I need it. Faithful? That is his essence.

I have been reading a book by John Ortberg (my favourite author at the moment) and a section of one chapter really spoke to my heart:

“I only know that ultimately, the choice everyone faces is the choice between hope and despair. Jesus says, “Choose hope.”

Will you keep going when you don’t know why? When you can’t get any answers that would make the pain go away, will you say, “My Lord,” even though his ways are not clear to you? Will you keep going --- with all the grace and grit and faith you can muster --- and live in hope that one day God will set everything right. Will you trust that God is good?

I think of Jacob, who wrestled with a man throughout one night and realized afterward that it was God. The man crippled Jacob’s hip and told him to let go, and Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

When the man saw Jacob would not quit, he blessed him and gave him a new name: Israel. “You have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.”

Why does God wrestle with Jacob? Why not just give him a blessing outright?

I don’t know the whole answer to those questions. I think it has something to do with the fact that God prizes that quality in the human spirit that will not give up.

God wants greatness of soul --- people who will endure, wrestle, persevere, refuse to quit, and cling to his goodness even when there is much they can’t see clearly.”

In the midst of my struggle, God is concerned about the kind of person I am becoming. Am I going to stubbornly hold on to him even when it seems like I am going down for the count? Am I going to continue believing that my healing is just at his fingertips even if my body continues to be racked by cancer? Can I be like Jacob? Can I tenaciously cling to God with whatever strength I have left and tell him that I will not let go until he blesses me?

I don’t know how long this battle with cancer will be but today, I choose hope.

From the mouth of babes...

I did something brave this last Christmas. I volunteered to handle the Sunday School Christmas Cantata. It was a simple 30 minute cantata where the kids were going to sing a total of 8 Christmas carols while the young teens did the narration and reading of the Christmas story. Although we did not have very many kids in Sunday School, some children from the squatter/slum area had been attending so I thought it would be great to have them incorporated into the choir.

I did not do it single handedly of course. Other teachers helped with teaching the carols, coming up with the props and costumes, scheduling rehearsals etc. I directed the cantata and oversaw rehearsals. I wouldn’t have done it without all the help I got. I was beginning to have body pains and found myself feeling more tired than usual. There were times when I thought: what did I get myself into?

We only had about a total of 7 practices and 2 general rehearsals and had to contend with low attendance most of the time. Needless to say, we were all excited when Dec. 24 came. Just before we went on stage, we gathered the children in the Sunday School room for last minute instructions. After doing so, I told the kids that I was very proud of them because they always gave their best during the practices and sang with all their hearts. A boy from the slums immediately chirped: I’m proud of you teacher! I smiled, thinking he has just mimicking me.

(The cantata went well despite all the hitches that come with live performances. The children sang wonderfully and even the littlest ones performed well.)

The next day though, I recalled the incident in a different light. When the boy told me he was proud of me, I took it as a message from the Lord. Despite my limitations, he saw my efforts and was proud of me. I was blessed beyond measure and my heart overflowed with joy! My heavenly father was proud of me! You see, I haven’t done much since my health issues came up and I always find myself hesitating to do anything, fearful that I would not be able to accomplish what I had set out to do. I took a step and a risk and found the father pleased. What more can I ask for?

Lord, what would you have me to do?