Being a Mom means

Here's a belated Mother's Day post. In a span of 10 years, I was either pregnant, breastfeeding or potty training. After 4 kids, I realize I'm no expert and there were times I wondered: Lord, what have I done to deserve this! Is there any sin I haven't confessed? But I have many good memories too and I would never trade those for anything else in this world! So here's to you moms:

Being a mom means...
...getting rid of those high heels that you love wearing because its impossible to run after a toddler in the mall with them on
...forgetting to match your shoes with the baby bag which has become your all year round accessory
...learning to do everything with one arm, even cooking a meal because you need to hold a child with your hip and other arm
...stop eating in the middle of your meal, picking up the stinky baby, changing a diaper and returning to your meal with the same gusto as if nothing happened at all
...walking in your sleep to the crib to pick up the crying baby because your husband who is normally sensitive to noise is all of a sudden deaf
...letting the kids get the best parts of the chicken and learning to really enjoy eating what's left
...having a baby who farts really loud and saying, "excuse me" when everyone looks your way
...trying to explain to your daughter that her new baby brother has different private parts
...taking pictures of your naked babies with the intention of showing these during their wedding reception
...playing monopoly with your kids and giving them all your money when they run out of theirs
...not acting surprised or raising your eyebrows when your child receives the Most Behaved certificate in school
...keeping cool when your son has a gash on his head and you can see his skull when you clean up the blood
...learning to skillfully manuever a stroller on the up or down escalator without causing an accident
...asking help from the Lord when your one year old stuffs a bean up his nostril (thank God he sneezed!)
...mastering the art of pulling out your breast in public to feed a baby without catching everyone's attention
...realizing that with the addition of each child, your love is not divided but multiplied
...even if you fumble big time and ask for your child's forgiveness, he/she is always willing to forgive
...loving every home made card with stick figures and scribblings that say you are the best mom in the world (Hallmark cards could not compare with these!)
...feeling every hurt in your heart when your child is bullied or unjustly treated by others
...hearing a small voice say, "Mom you're talking in your sleep!" when you realize that you had fallen asleep while reading a bedtime story
...believing that even if your child's ranking is 17 out of 24 students in his class, he will someday grow up and do important things for this world
...making a big thing out of their birthdays because you're just glad they were born
...blowing into fat tummies and hearing laughter peal from tickled babies
...understanding what God's unconditional love is about because there is nothing your child can do to make you love them more
...giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and ...
...even if all your kids grow up to be taller than you, you will always remember the time when they were small enough to sit on your lap and you could give them lots of hugs and kisses whether they liked it or not
...even if the day has been horrible and yet you gave it your best shot, you know that the Lord's love and grace will patch up the holes
...loving the child with all your being the very minute you learned you were pregnant
...realizing how much your own mom loves you and appreciating her for all she has done for you
...investing your love, time and life on a child without expecting anything in return

and the list goes on...

Family Reunions

I love family reunions! I love it when we are all together, flipping pages of our memories: our childhood days, people we love and meaningful events --- all these forever etched in our hearts. Our memories become like pieces of jewelry that we lovingly show off to each other.

I guess I am fond of reunions because I have lived away from my family since I was 14. When my dad and mom decided to relocate to Pagadian after living many years in Manila, my sister Sandra and I ended up with my Uncle Rudy and Auntie Letty in Cebu while we pursued our high school studies in St. Theresa's College.

My dad died suddenly of a heart attack that same year we moved. Since then, I found myself living with relatives or staying in dorms as I finished my high school and obtained a university degree. I found employment in Manila and was later joined by my siblings as they graduated from high school and took their college courses in Manila. At one point, four of us stayed in one apartment.

In the meantime, my mom met my stepdad Landon. They got married and mom and my youngest brother Alvin moved to the US in 1983. My youngest sister Vivien joined them the next year. For the longest time, half of our family was in Manila and the other half in Los Angeles: separated by distance but held together by the telephone wires! The only time we were all together was during my wedding in 1989 and then during Dino's wedding in 2000. Those were special times because we were complete then: all the spouses and children were present.

It always seemed difficult to get everyone's schedule synchronized and we were at different levels in our finances which made it challenging to get everyone together. So it was a wonderful gift from the Lord when my mom and all my siblings from the US and Manila flew to Cebu to spend time together while I had a break in my treatments. Although my 2 brothers-in-law did not make it and the only cousins that came were the 2 sons of my 2 brothers, we had a grand time!

We spent a week at a resort in Mactan. The amenities and the food were great but nothing compared to the stories and the laughter that we all shared. Somehow when we are all together, we are young once again, life is uncomplicated and even if it wasn't perfect, it was good. We would laugh at the crazy things we did, remember fondly those who are no longer with us and make fun of ourselves now. We caught up on everyone's lives, listened to our hopes and dreams for the future, shared our pains. We have lived many years apart from each other but when we are together, even for a brief moment, we are "home."

My cousin Chris puts it succinctly: the biggest blessing in our lives is simply the presence of people who care much, whose love is real and who see us beyond ourselves.
I wish I had my mom and siblings closer to me but we don't live in a perfect world where we get everything we wish for. My only consolation is that the love we share will always transcend time and space. Other people may boast of many things they have. I can boast of my family's love and know that I am overwhelmingly blessed!

I'm Home!

On Sunday, April 25, Dr. Zhang and Dr. Wen (the head doctor) met with me. From their assessment, my body has not responded as expected to the 3 cycles of localized chemotherapy. Although the one tumor under my armpit did reduce in size slightly, the other new tumors are still the same size. They had planned to do a cryosurgery on me on Tuesday, April 27 but decided against it because at present, the area where the tumors are is quite extensive. They decided to put me on oral chemo meds instead with hopes that the smaller tumors will shrink. If that happens, then I have the option to have cryosurgery on the remaining tumors in the future.
Since the meds are cheaper here in the Phils. and they do not expect the side effects to be severe, they suggested that I go home and do 2 cycles of oral chemo (2 weeks on the meds and 1 week rest is one cycle). I have to observe the tumors reaction to the drug, as well as have a blood test to make sure that my white blood cell count is not too low.

My initial reaction was a mixture of disbelief and relief that I could go home so soon and yet there was some sadness and disappointment in realizing that their treatments did not produce the results they expected. I asked, what if this oral chemo does not work? They said that then I would have to try hormonal treatments.

I was glad that there were enough seats on the flight on Wednesday, April 28. We spent a few hours in my brother's home in Manila to sleep, eat and visit. Later that day, we were back home. It's great to be back --- to see the Doug and the kids. Even if the temperature is unconfortable (its a blessing not to have hair at this time!), I am happy just to be here.

There was just a glitch in my early return. Doug and Mandee wanted to surprise me and planned to fly to Guangzhou for my last week there. Unfortunately, the change of plans dampened their spontaneous show of love and support for me.

How do I feel about all this? The doctors told me that indeed there are cases of some cancers that are not responsive to chemotherapy. There have been times when I would second guess myself and wonder if I had made a mistake about not opting to have chemo the very first time I was diagnosed. I know now that it would not have made any difference. In a way, I am more confident that it really was the Lord who lead me to try the alternative and more natural approach to this disease. I will be following the doctors' orders to try this oral chemo drug and trust that it will benefit my body. My journey towards health continues.

Although I am tempted to sucumb to depression and lose heart, the Lord has made too many promises to me that I cannot ignore. I have a long history of his faithfulness and have seen him work wonders in our lives --- making a way when there seemed to be none. As I move on, I am more dependent on the Lord's leading. He who has made me, knows my body and what it needs to heal completely. I continue to believe that a miracle is coming and that I will see the Lord resurrect this body from this terrible disease.

You are all a part of this journey. Your prayers and messages have strengthened me and caused me to press on despite set-backs. Thank you.

A dear friend told me that when she read Psalm 116, she felt it was for me. Let me just share a few verses in closing:

"I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!...
The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling
And so I walk in the Lord's presence
as I live here on earth..."