Life has often been likened to a journey. We start on this journey on the day of our birth and we continue on until we pass through the doors of death. Sometimes we think that we have control over how this journey will be. We plan 5 years ahead and set up goals. We say: this year, I will do this and next year, I will do that. We plan on the premise that nothing untoward will happen to us. That everything will be fine and our plans will unfold as we give our best to reach those goals. We never plan to include accidents, illness or even death.
Three years ago on Oct. 29, a doctor in Canada told me that I had breast cancer, that I should see a surgeon immediately and have a mastectomy. All that I had achieved in the past, all my future plans just collapsed before my very eyes. Death which I thought was just a specter on the distant horizon was knocking at my door. He was closer than I thought he was.
This journey with cancer has led me to many byways, detours and dead-ends. On one hand I have faith and trust the Lord for the miracle of healing. On the other hand I tried to do what I could: researching, seeking various treatments options, consulting different doctors. I suffered from pain, lost weight, cried tears of desperation, ate food that gagged me, juices that taste like grass, did enemas, downed multiple supplements, changed my amalgam fillings --- I've done it all.
In the course of my journey, I have met others who are also walking the same road with me. Last April, when I returned to China for my last 2 cycles of chemo, I met Xenia and her mom, Tita Auring. Although a Filipina, Xenia has been living in the US since 2005. She has a wonderful career in computer systems. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 4 years ago. She underwent chemo for that long as well and nothing seemed to work. Her mom, Tita Auring, left everything in the Phils. and went to the US to care for Xenia, her only daughter after having 2 sons. When Xenia read about Fuda Cancer Center, she thought she owed it to her family to give it a shot.
I remember bringing them to our favorite dimsum place. They got tired of the food in the hospital as well and wanted to try sometime different. At the last minute Xenia was not able to join us because they needed to put her on IV so I had lunch with Tita Auring and she brought home some food for Xenia to enjoy.
I also remember sharing with Xenia my disappointment that the chemo meds did not work on me. She replied: Don't worry, they'll find something for you. She was so positive.
When Xenia returned to the US, the doctors there told her that she was worse off than before receiving treatments in China. It seemed like the cancer had spread and was affecting her vocal chords. Her voice was reduced to a whisper. When I heard this news, my heart was heavy. I wrote her an email message talking about putting her trust on the Lord Jesus and the tension of waiting for a miracle and yet, preparing for death. I was able to skype her and I was glad to see her even if I could not hear her. Tita Auring was there to tell me what Xenia wanted to say. I told her that Psalm 91 was a favorite psalm and that I wanted to read it for her. I did so and felt the Lord's compassion for her. I am glad they were encouraged by it. Tita Auring wrote later that they would read the Psalm again and remember me.
This summer, Xenia, her husband and 8 year old daughter had a holiday in Disney World Florida. She said that they could not really afford it but it was worth all the fun they had. Towards the end of their time there, she found herself gasping for breath even after just a few steps. She waited until they returned to Virginia to be admitted in a hospital.
Her situation was getting worse. The doctor wanted her to go back to her first chemo drug which did not work for her. She refused. If it didn't work then, why would it work now. The doctor told her that it could buy her some time. She told her that her body was tired of chemo. The doctor said that if she delayed in making a decision, the decision will be made for her. Xenia understood but she did not want any chemo anymore.
When her cousin asked her how she felt about her situation, she wrote: "It is what it is. I'm still alive so I still have hope. I'm not going to live my life in fear and depression. I have too much to live for. So I live (quite happily, I might add)."
She tried to change her diet but it was just too difficult for her body. She began to lose weight and strength. Then she heard about Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Philadelphia. She was suffering from pain and could not walk when she was admitted.
Tests showed that the cancer had already spread to her brain. Xenia had witnessed her father die from a seizure after being treated for cancer in the brain as well. The news disturbed her to say the least. Her uncle comforted her by telling her that the meds now are different and more effective that those her father took.
In her blog, Xenia wrote: I know that even in the worst circumstances, I am not alone. God is with me in the people around me and in the people who send their love.
On Tuesday, Oct. 27, I received an email from Tita Auring informing all that Xenia passed away on Monday night. She was able to receive the last sacraments and Tita Auring was with her. She was 35.
When I think of Xenia and many others, I know that life is fragile. Someone once said: we are all terminal but only some are lucky to know it. We normally don't live our lives with death in sight. We live as if we will live forever. We make plans for tomorrow but for some of us, we may not have as many tomorrows. In 2009 when my health was at its worst, I thought the door to death was opening for me. By God's grace and mercy, I am still here today but I must admit, that there are times when I find myself looking at the door and wondering when my time will be up.
In light of this, how then should we live? We must live each day fully. Whether you have cancer or not, live today as if it is your last. No time for regrets. No more excuses to do things later or tomorrow. Now is all we have. Regina Brett, author of God Never Blinks wrote: Each day is a precious gift to be savored and used, not left unopened and hoarded for the future that may never come.
How do we live our life fully? Hug a little tighter, love more deeply, forgive more quickly, laugh more readily and live for the Lord totally.
This journey of life will eventually take us home. And when the day comes that the door will be opened, I know it will be a glorious day!
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What you wrote my dread friend is so beautiful, it must be shared, my friend. May I suggest you submit it to Good Housekeeping or the Sunday magazine of Philippine Inquirer?
ReplyDeleteLife is tenuous, and we don't have to be sick to realize that our journey may end "at a blink of an eye." Two days ago, two boys, aged 12 and 13, looking for spiders to play with were killed, shot by guards who thought they were intruders.
My mom died when I was 8 years old. One morning she woke up with a really bad abdominal pain so she was brought to the hospital. She promised me that when she got back, she and I would shop for my dress for Christmas. It was December 17. She went into a coma on the 18th and was declared dead in the early hours of the 19th. She was only 42.
How blessed we are to be alive and being able to still spend precious time with those we love and who love us.
Your blog has sent me pondering again, my friend....Thank you!