Hope for 2011

As another year turns a page in my life, I am faced with the realization that the struggle towards health continues. 2010 saw me spend a total of 7 weeks in China, undergoing various treatments after knowing the full extent of the cancer spread in my body. Oral chemo made a difference in shrinking most of the tumors on my chest. However, even before I finished 8 cycles, I noticed new small growths which signified that my body was getting immune of the effects of the drug. When I stopped the drugs, the new growths became larger and other new tumors appeared. It looked like I was back to square one.

In addition to this, I have been receiving monthly infusions for the bone metastasis. While taking the chemo drug, I did not suffer any side effects. When I stopped the drug, I began to experience body pains at different times. My energy level had likewise gone down and I had to pace myself in order not to tire myself to the point of being useless.

Over the holidays, conflicting test results delayed a prescription for hormonal treatments. I finally got new test results and have been prescribed to take drugs that should help reduce the new tumors and stop new ones from appearing. After trying to find the cheapest supplier, I started with the new drugs on Monday.

Through the wait, I found myself once again in the winter of my soul. I had thought of stopping the pharmaceutical drugs since I no longer wanted the side effects and felt like its efficacy was like touch and go. Going back to alternative supplements seemed logical but knowing that I had tried it all, made me wary about doing it as a stand alone treatment. My heart and my mind battled. Do I have the luxury of time or will waiting just put me at greater risk? Can I give myself 90 days to try out new supplements that do not promise anything? Will I be able to withstand the side effects of the drugs?

In the midst of my confusion, I felt like hope was slowly melting away. In the midst of the pain, I found myself crying out to the Lord: how long, Oh Lord? How much longer will I feed on my tears and my fears? I have tried everything but the monster of cancer keeps on rearing its head, making its presence known. I feel so battle weary and could only utter one short prayer: Lord, help!

Yet even when I feel the Lord is silent, I know that I am not abandoned. One morning when I was struggling with pain, I was led to Lamentations 3:19-24,

“The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’”(NLT)

I know those words are true. In the three years of this struggle, I have seen the Lord’s unfailing love sustain me. He has carried me through many difficult, painful times. I have tasted his goodness and know that there is more from the source when I need it. Faithful? That is his essence.

I have been reading a book by John Ortberg (my favourite author at the moment) and a section of one chapter really spoke to my heart:

“I only know that ultimately, the choice everyone faces is the choice between hope and despair. Jesus says, “Choose hope.”

Will you keep going when you don’t know why? When you can’t get any answers that would make the pain go away, will you say, “My Lord,” even though his ways are not clear to you? Will you keep going --- with all the grace and grit and faith you can muster --- and live in hope that one day God will set everything right. Will you trust that God is good?

I think of Jacob, who wrestled with a man throughout one night and realized afterward that it was God. The man crippled Jacob’s hip and told him to let go, and Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

When the man saw Jacob would not quit, he blessed him and gave him a new name: Israel. “You have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.”

Why does God wrestle with Jacob? Why not just give him a blessing outright?

I don’t know the whole answer to those questions. I think it has something to do with the fact that God prizes that quality in the human spirit that will not give up.

God wants greatness of soul --- people who will endure, wrestle, persevere, refuse to quit, and cling to his goodness even when there is much they can’t see clearly.”

In the midst of my struggle, God is concerned about the kind of person I am becoming. Am I going to stubbornly hold on to him even when it seems like I am going down for the count? Am I going to continue believing that my healing is just at his fingertips even if my body continues to be racked by cancer? Can I be like Jacob? Can I tenaciously cling to God with whatever strength I have left and tell him that I will not let go until he blesses me?

I don’t know how long this battle with cancer will be but today, I choose hope.