Reality Check

I was so excited about flying home, I could not sleep a wink on Thursday night. Doug got up at 5 am and I thought I should too. After breakfast and saying good-bye to some friends, we left Fuda Hospital at 7 am.

We had a layover in Hong Kong for about 5 hours. Where we ate, there was a selection of Chinese noodle soup and other food. I stayed clear of the Chinese food. I don't want to even smell Chinese food for the next 10 years!

When we finally descended towards Cebu, I turned to Doug with tears in my eyes and said: We're home!

It was so great to be met by the girls and friends. The boys decided to stay home to study for exams.

Home sweet home. No matter how long you've been away, it is always good to come home --- to familiar, comfortable things, even if they are not perfect. The smells, the sights, the traffic, the tastes, the people --- I love them all! This is home for me.

After catching up with the kids on things they wanted to show us and hearing all their stories, I asked them to all go to bed to prepare for the exams tomorrow. I was tired and needed to plop into bed.

It was hot so I decided to take my cap off. While I undressed, I decided to take out the dressing to give a wound from my first cryosurgery a breather. I did this infront of a mirror in the dressing room. I must tell you that when I was in China, I avoided the mirror. I just did not have the courage to see with my eyes what was happening to me. But now I saw it all. I saw the scars of the surgery, scars where the tubes and needles were inserted. My skin on my chest has darkened like it was burned. I have bruises where they gave me multiple injections. I saw my bones sticking out and my muscles just hanging on to my frame which is now down to 40k. I looked at myself and could not believe what my eyes were seeing! Not too long ago, I thought of myself as an attractive woman. Now I look like an experiment that has gone terribly bad, a Frankenstein! I broke down and cried.

Doug did not know what was happening to me. Between my sobs and wails I poured out to him how I felt about seeing myself for the first time. He hugged and reassured me that things would get better. Still I cried --- I was devastated. In the midst of Doug telling me that my looks is not that important, a lovely lesson learned from Antoine de Saint Exupery's Little Prince came across my mind: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." Somehow that brought comfort to me. Bald and gaunt, I don't look like anything I was before, but deep inside, I am the essential me.

Then I thought about the vows we made 21 years ago on Jan. 28 --- for better, for worse, for richer, for poor, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others until death do us part. When you are young, it sounds just like a cliche. After 21 years and facing life's challenges together, you realize that such vows are difficult to make and keep. Only God could give you the grace and strength to keep those vows and remain committed to each other --- no matter what life throws your way.

I washed my face and said: This is the last time I will feel sorry for myself. I know that the Lord is healing me and bringing complete restoration. He has promised to restore my health and bring fatness to my bones. He has promised to give me a new song of praise so that people will know and hear about him. This cancer may ravage my body and steal my looks, but it will never be able to extinguish the fire that the Lord has put inside of me.

Before I went to bed, I had to ask Doug: will you ever leave me? Of course not, he quickly answered. I fell asleep thankful.