When I realized that I could no longer avoid chemo, I just braced myself and reminded myself that the Lord has not missed one step with me in all my years of following him. The doctor said that since it is localized, the side effects may not be as severe. "Will I lose my hair?, " I asked her. "Yes you may." I bit my lip.
With the severity of my condition, I knew that I had to submit to all that they suggested. The doctor understood when I asked for more time to think about the treatment options. I don't even know why I asked for more time --- maybe I wanted some semblance of control even if I knew in my heart, I had absolutely no more control over this disease that has ravaged my body. My only consolation is that the Lord is there: sovereign, high and lifted up.
I allowed myself to grieve and let all my fears out through my tears. Sometimes I had to laugh at the irony of it all: chemo, side effects, general anaesthesia, pain --- all my fears coming to a head in the 5 weeks we will be here! I can't run away from it. I have to face it but I don't face it alone.
I am so glad that Doug is with me. When my emotions go crazy, he leads me back to where I should be. He prays for me even when I am too tired to lift up my voice. He plays music on the ipod which I haven't figured out to work. He takes away the stress of choosing our meals and massages me when I feel so worn out from the day. Its good he has lots of friends and is not afraid to take the local buses to places away from here. As for me, I feel like I'm in a cocoon. I like it though. I have time to read, to pray and just de-stress. And write.
I was ready since 7 am today for the chemo. I asked the nurse if I had to change into a hospital gown. She pointed to the pair of white pajamas with blue stripes they had in the room. I held it up for her to see. It was XXXL. My whole body could fit into 1 pant leg! Thankfully, they come back with the smallest one they could find. I try it on and look at myself --- I look like a survivor from the holocaust! I don't know if I prefer the hospital gowns back home where your butt sticks out!
The doctor came at 9 and told me that I will have it around 10:30 to 11. Later, she returned to apologize that their machine is out of order and that I may have the chemo either this afternoon or tomorrow. It will be their last working day tom. before the chinese new year.
In the meantime, I'm waiting in my pajamas.
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Hello Marla, Flor forwarded your blogsite which we will follow as time goes on. I couldn't help but smile with you in a XXXL pajamas. I had a similar experience many years ago but in reverse...a L gown, the largest they had. I was a sight for sore eyes, I could hardly move my shoulders and to cover my butt was just about out the question but job got done, a bit red faced and all. My dad once told me, while letting a rather loud flatulence, that inhibitions aren't the norm in the hospitals. We continue to pray for Gods strength and encouragement for you and the family that will keep the chin up and His gracious smile on your faces. With Love Hans & Cathy
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you can find humor even in the face of what you are going through, my friend. I've always believed in the saying that laughter is the best medicine.
ReplyDeleteManna and I got to visit with the kids last Wednesday night. I have to say that the Japanese Chicken Wings dish that Jonina cooked looked really yummy. They all seemed fine except Jonina who is feeling the stress of handling the household. I comforted her saying that I also hate doing the accounting for the expenses! She also told us about your concern over losing your hair, and Pastor Doug saying you'd look like twins!! Oh my! Do you remember the movie "Coneheads"? Parang ganun ang labas niyo!
When you get better, we'll go and shop for the coolest looking scarves and you'll be so fashionista.
I am praying for you throughout the day. You know I love you, my friend. Hug-hug! Hug Pastor Doug for me too.